


Like Curving Colour

by robotsnchicks



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Artist Castiel (Supernatural), Bottom Castiel, Bottom Dean, But he does it anyway, Dean has a Fear of Flying, Eventual Smut, First Time Bottom Dean Winchester, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Massage, Misunderstandings, Pining Dean, Resolved Sexual Tension, Roommates, Sappy Ending, Tattoo Artist Castiel, Tattooed Castiel, Top Castiel, Top Dean, Unresolved Sexual Tension, nursing student dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-27 03:50:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 38,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13872507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robotsnchicks/pseuds/robotsnchicks
Summary: Dean should be content with his life. He's almost done with his nursing program, his brother is flourishing at Stanford, and his best friend and roommate, Cas, just scored an apprenticeship under a well known tattoo artist. With everything going so well for both himself and his loved ones, Dean should be ecstatic. And he probably would be, if he could ignore one pesky detail: Dean's hopelessly in love with Cas and has been for years.Dean determined long ago to keep his feelings to himself. He figures he missed his chance to tell Cas years ago, and at this point their friendship is too valuable to risk damaging. But when a life changing decision arises, Dean discovers that playing his cards so close to his chest could cost him everything after all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I am finally sharing this fic with all of you! But first, I need to thank some people.
> 
> First, my wonderful artist [Dogsled](https://thedogsled.tumblr.com/). The art you created is absolutely beautiful and all I dreamed of. It is so amazing to see the tattoos I pictured on Cas rendered just as I imagined. Thank you for making my first experience working with an artist collaboratively such a treat!
> 
> Second, my incomparable beta, [nox-lee](http://archiveofourown.org/users/noxlee/works). This story would not be here without you! Your patience and dedication made all the difference in the world to me and I really can not thank you enough for sticking with me through this. You are the best.
> 
>  
> 
>  
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>  
> 
> when my love comes to see me it’s  
> just a little like music,a  
> little more like curving colour(say  
> orange)  
> — ee cummings

Dean's half asleep when he opens the door to his apartment, but the wave of smoke that hits him wakes him up fast. "Cas? You in here?"

The smoke is thick and cloying and he probably would have noticed the smell from outside the apartment if he wasn't so damn tired, but two hours of nursing classes followed by an orderly shift afterward have him near dead on his feet.

He hurries into the kitchen and spies the culprit immediately: smoke billows out of the cracks around the closed oven door. "Cas?" he tries again. He turns the oven off and cracks the door. Smoke, but no flames. Good. He opens the door the rest of the way and grabs a dish towel to hold to his face as more acrid smoke pours out. He breathes some in and coughs his way to the small kitchen window. 

A door slams and footsteps rush towards him. "Oh." Cas' voice is quiet but undisturbed.

"Oh? Really? You nearly burn down our apartment and almost give me a fucking heart attack and just say ‘ _oh_ '? What the fuck, man." Dean turns around when he gets no response but Cas is nowhere in sight. "Hey, get back here!" 

Cas returns holding the box fan from his room and lifts a pierced eyebrow. "I was just getting this, Dean." He plugs the fan in and sets it blowing towards the window. Slowly the smoke thins as it is drawn outside. "Sorry. I was working on a sketch in my room and lost track of time. I suppose I'm lucky you came back early."

"Damn straight you are. What would you do without me, Cas?"

Cas' voice is deadpan but his eyes crinkle up at the corners as he says, "I ask myself that every day."

For the next few minutes they work together in silence, wiping the sooty residue off the surfaces and periodically moving the fan in order to direct the last of the smoke outside. Throughout the ordeal, their smoke alarm remains silent despite its location right above the stove. Dean isn't surprised. The entire apartment is falling apart, but it's all they can afford.

Eventually the air is breathable again and the only reminder of the incident is the black brick within the oven. Dean grabs some oven mitts and pulls the pan out. He looks at the scorched mess and sighs before dumping the whole thing into the trash. 

It's oddly reminiscent of how they met. They'd been paired together in home-ec their freshman year of high school. Even though they were supposed to share the cooking duties, Dean had quickly taken charge in order to save their grade — and their taste buds. 

Almost ten years later and Cas still hasn't improved. If Cas ever gets married his spouse better be okay with TV dinners and take-out. A familiar pang of jealousy runs through Dean at the idle thought, but he firmly shoves it in the back of his mind. 

He tosses the oven mitts onto the counter and claps Cas on the shoulder. "Well buddy, I think it's safe to say that we're ordering in tonight. And that it's gonna be your treat."

Cas smiles at him wryly. "That's fair enough. Is pizza okay?" He pulls his phone out and looks up at Dean for confirmation.

"Sure man, get my usual." Dean realizes his hand is still on Cas' shoulder and lets go, taking a step back. 

He feels awkward just watching Cas on his phone so he walks out to the living room. The sketch Cas was working on peeks up from underneath a slew of pencils. He flops down on the couch and catches Cas' eye when he rounds the couch to sit on the other side. "Hey, mind if I take a look?" 

"Sure." Cas scoots down to sit next to Dean and grabs the sketchbook from the table. "It's for Charlie. She wants some artwork to put in the next Moondoor newsletter." He holds the sketch out to Dean and preens. "How'd I do?"

Dean looks at the sketch and his mouth drops open. Cas has captured his likeness almost exactly. Even the details on his LARP costume are perfect. "This is amazing. How'd you even do this? I didn't pose for you or anything."

Cas rolls his eyes. "I've known you for over nine years and lived with you for five. I can recall your features fairly well by now." He reaches for the sketchbook but Dean holds it to his chest.

"Nuh-uh, I'm not done looking." He sets it back down on his lap and grins. "I look like a badass, this is great. How'd you get the details on my costume so well?"

"Charlie sent me some photos from your last event to help with that. She also wants me to draw Gilda, but I've only met her the once so I told her to send me some references." He reaches over and grips Dean's knee. "She sent me over 200 photos, Dean. 200." His hand squeezes on each syllable of the number and Dean's stomach squeezes in return. 

The longer Cas leaves his hand on his leg, the harder it is for Dean to figure out how to respond. Right as Dean thinks he's going to combust Cas removes his hand. 

Dean clears his throat. "Yeah, you should have been there last time, it was pretty hard to watch. Everyone could tell she's got it bad for this chick." Dean purposefully ignores just how bad he has it for the guy next to him. It's totally different. "Now Charlie's abusing her rank in order to get in the new girl's pants. If she isn't careful we're gonna mutiny." Inspiration suddenly strikes Dean. "You know, you should draw her all wonky. It'll serve her right." 

Cas parts his lips and Dean just knows he's gonna make some snide comment about how ‘wonky' is a subjective term so he skips ahead. "Like this." He crosses his eyes and grimaces in example. 

Cas nods in mock solemnity. "Ah yes, of course, ‘all wonky'. I'll get right on that Dean." 

Dean shoves at Cas' shoulder. "Smartass." He picks the sketchbook up from his lap again. "Hey, can I see what else you've been working on?" 

Cas sucks his lip ring into his mouth and nods. "This book is only a month or so old, so there's not much in it yet, but be my guest." He presses into Dean's side so he can flip it back to the beginning and Dean struggles against the impulse to lean into his warmth. "Before Charlie requested the Moondor sketches, I'd been mainly working on my shading and lines." He taps a finger against the first page, and sends Dean a shy smile, "I was actually thinking about that reoccurring dream of yours when I drew this."

Dean is struck silent by what he sees. The sketch in front of him is eerily familiar. The dock, the lake, the trees in the distance, everything is almost exactly like the location in his dream. Even the chair that the ink version of him sits in is reminiscent of the one in his dream. 

In fact, the only thing missing is Cas, but that makes sense. Dean's never had the guts to admit how often the dream consists of the two of them just sitting or standing together in peace. "You did this just based on my description?" 

Cas shrugs. "It's a pretty simple scene — a dock, water, trees, an old chair, you. Not much I could mess up there."

It's a simple scene, but Dean had no idea Cas had been listening so closely when he shared it. He looks up and meets Cas' eyes. "Do you, uh, do you think I could have it?"

Cas' eyes widen in surprise. "It's not really finished, and it's just a practice piece, not exactly something you frame and hang on your wall." Cas maintains their eye contact for a bit longer, then looks down. "If you want it though, you can have it of course. Just give me some time to finish up the rough edges."

"Thanks, and uh, could you add one more thing?" Dean swallows nervously, but if he's going to frame this — because despite Cas' protests, it's definitely the type of thing Dean wants on his wall — he wants it to be right.

"Sure, what's missing?" Cas grabs the sketchbook back and flips to a later page, pen poised.

"Uh..." Dean feels a blush working its way up his neck, and he's almost tempted to drop it. "I thought you might think it was weird so I didn't mention it before, but you're normally on the dock with me. Like, just standing there."

The resulting silence is so complete Dean almost expects to hear actual crickets chirping at any moment. 

"You dream about me, Dean?" When Cas speaks his tone is somewhere between teasing and surprised.

"Jesus, Cas, not like— not like that." Dean stumbles over his words a little because maybe he's had dreams like that once or twice, but that has nothing to do with this particular dream. "It's just, you know, a calm and comforting dream and… man, don't make this weird." He scrubs his hands over his face and tries to smile. "It's like you said, I've known you forever. You happened to show up in my dreams, so what?"

Cas stares at Dean. Dean stares back. The doorbell rings. Twice.

"It's probably the pizza," Dean points out helpfully. "You should get that." 

Finally, Cas stands up, still squinting at him. 

As soon as Cas leaves Dean slumps back with a groan. Awkward staring is nothing unusual with Cas, but this had been pretty epic even by their standards. Replaying the conversation in his head just leads to another groan. Hopefully, they can just ignore his bizarre dream confession. 

He turns the TV over to Netflix and looks for something to distract Cas. He settles on _Ink Stars_ , a mediocre reality show that had actually offered to film an episode at Divine Ink, the tattoo shop Cas works in. Cas' boss, Kali, had turned them down, and it's easy to see why. The show is over dramatic and fake as hell, but Cas still loves critiquing the artists and telling Dean what he'll do differently when he has his own shop someday.

Despite his passion for the subject, Cas hasn't shared his aspirations with Kali yet. Right now he just mans the shop's counter and tries to pick up what he can by osmosis, often staying late to watch her and the other artists at work. 

Dean knows Cas doesn't think his art is good enough yet, but Dean's seen his portfolio. Kali would be an idiot to turn him down. Cas has a unique style that would go perfectly with the current aesthetic her shop provides. What she'll ask for in return is up for debate, but since she's dating Cas' older brother, Gabe, Dean figures she won't gouge him too much.

When Cas finally returns he's empty-handed and scowling. "He forgot the pizzas."

Dean blinks. "The _pizza_ delivery guy forgot the _pizza_?"

Cas throws himself onto the couch with an annoyed sigh. "It was Andy."

"Oh." That explains everything. Andy is a cool guy, but he's also higher than a kite most days. Sometimes it works out for them — like the time he brought them a free order of wings and breadsticks by mistake — but the rest of the time he does stuff like forgetting their drinks or bringing the wrong pizza. Showing up with nothing at all is a first, though. "He's coming back, right?"

"Yes." Cas grabs the remote from Dean and starts the show. "Says he'll try and snag us some breadsticks and a two liter."

"Shit. Should have pushed for a free pizza at least."

Cas sighs. "I told him we could keep it between us. He's on his last warning already."

"Alright, but he owes us." It's annoying but Andy's an old classmate of Sam's and Cas is right — Dean doesn't want to get the kid fired. He'll just have to make do without pizza a little while longer. 

The cushion behind Dean is lumpy and uncomfortable, jabbing into his armpit no matter what he does. He finally has enough and throws his arm around the back of the couch instead. When his hand falls on Cas' shoulder, he freezes. He can't believe he pulled a classic junior high move on accident. 

He inches his hand back carefully, but Cas chooses that moment to throw himself backward, crushing Dean's arm against the couch. Dean gives up on subtlety and yanks his hand free, shaking it out. 

"Did you see that?" Cas remains completely oblivious as he gestures at the screen, turning towards Dean in irritation. "The saturation on that tattoo was terrible. I can't believe he's on this show." 

Even though it had been a complete accident, it still bugs Dean a bit that Cas missed his move completely. The guy takes the term clueless to new extremes.

It's impossible to stay annoyed for long though, and Dean is soon fighting a grin as Cas continues to complain about the artist's work and how the guy is probably banging one of the show's writers. His disdain only grows as the episode progresses and Dean pats himself on the back for giving Cas' legendary sarcasm a chance to come out in full swing. 

The episode is only halfway through when their doorbell rings three times in succession. It rings twice more as Cas gets off the couch.

"Jesus, what the fuck is Andy's problem?" Dean asks as the bell rings again.

"I don't know, but if he doesn't knock it off I'm gonna kill him," Cas says as he leaves the room. 

Dean sinks back onto the couch, leaning ever so slightly into the warmth of Cas' recently vacated seat. He pauses the show when Cas doesn't return right away. It's not nearly as fun to watch alone. 

He hears a thump and gets up to see what's taking so long. Andy and the pizza are nowhere in sight. Instead, Cas' brother, Gabe, is leaning heavily on the wall with his hands awkwardly clutching Cas' shirt. Cas struggles to free himself from the drunken embrace and Dean valiantly looks away from the peek of Cas' hip bone that his hiked up shirt reveals. Eventually, Cas succeeds in shoving Gabe off, sighing as he ricochets back into the wall.

"You are a cruel, uncaring monster, Cassie!" Gabe moans as he slides to the floor.

Cas rolls his eyes and turns to Dean. "Gabe lost his wallet. I'm going to drive him home and call around for him." He narrows his eyes at Dean. "Don't eat my pizza."

"Like I want that veggie topped shit anyway." Gabe begins to look a little green so Dean quickly opens the door for them. "Hey, if it looks like he's gotta puke make sure you steer him away from Baby."

"Love you too, Deanie!" Gabe blows a kiss as Cas pulls him back up to standing.

Dean offers what he hopes is a sympathetic nod as Cas wrangles his brother outside, shutting the door behind them. He stops by the kitchen and grabs a beer before returning to the living room. 

With Cas gone, there's no reason to continue watching _Ink Stars_ so he decides to check out the rest of Cas' sketchbook instead. Most of the pages seem to be full of ideas for his portfolio. Many of them are nature-based —flowers, bees, and birds seem to be favorite subjects — but a few pages are covered in abstract designs and lettering practice.

He turns the page and is surprised to see his name in an elegant cursive script. He rolls his eyes when he takes in the full page: _Dean is an assbutt_ is written across the center of the page, surrounded by an elegant floral border. He snaps a picture of the page and texts Cas. _Is this what you buy all those fancy art supplies for?_

Cas responds immediately. _Yes. You've found my crowning achievement. I was planning on reproducing it and sending it to your brother as a Christmas card._ A moment later a second text comes in. _You better not be getting grease on my sketchbook._

Dean snorts and fires off a quick response. _Dude pizzas not even here yet im dying_

As if by magic, the pizza arrives as soon as he sends the text. He chews Andy out halfheartedly but repeats Cas' promise not to let his boss know of his screw up. Dean sets the box with Cas' pizza on the kitchen counter and brings his Meat Lover's special back to the living room. 

If he's alone there's no reason not to indulge in one of this guilty pleasures — a little food porn. He queues up an episode all about pies and prepares to salivate. 

A beautiful apple plum pie is just about to be sliced when Dean's phone buzzes. He pauses the show so he doesn't miss the reveal, and then thumbs his screen on. 

_I don't think I'll be back tonight. Kali dumped Gabe again. He's threatening to break into the shop so he can fill it with flowers and candy_

Dean rests his thumbs on the screen and sighs. Gabe and Kali break up at least twice a year, and Gabe gets himself into trouble almost every time. It makes sense for Cas to stay there until his brother has calmed down, but Dean can't help the thread of disappointment that winds through him. _Yeah don't let him do that. She'd probably let them arrest him for b &e_

Cas just responds with, _I want pizza. :(_

Dean can't help but smile at the stupid emoticon. Cas is the only person he knows that uses them instead of emojis. _Sorry too late I already threw yours in the garbage where it belongs_

_Whatever. I'll let you get back to your pie porn_

Dean looks at the TV screen and then back at his phone suspiciously. _Have you been snooping my history?_

He can almost hear Cas' eyes rolling as he reads his reply. _I'd hardly call it "snooping" when we share an account that lists everything recently watched._

Dean laughs and texts back, _Touch me_

He looks at his phone in horror before frantically sending a correction. Of all the ways for autocorrect to go wrong. _*Touche!_

He waits nervously for Cas' response.

_And here I thought you were all excited from your porn_

Dean stares at his screen as he decides how to reply. Is Cas flirting with him right now? He licks his lips as he runs through possible responses in his head. His phone buzzes again before he has a chance to attempt flirting back though.

 _Neighbor is banging on the wall because of Gabe's singing. Great. I need to go subdue him. I'll text you later._ Cas sends the messages in quick succession.

Dean decides to fall back on their early joke. _Ok, I'll get back to my porn then_

_I bet. ;)_

Two little words (and one freaking winky face). How can two little words take over his brain so easily? "I bet." What does that even mean? Are they still talking about pie and food porn? Or is he hinting that he thinks Dean will switch to real porn now that he has the house to himself tonight? Does that mean Cas is thinking about Dean watching porn? 

Dean toys with the idea of tossing back some cheap innuendo but throws his phone on the coffee table instead. Cas is probably just teasing him about the show. Suggestive banter is Dean's thing — not Cas'. Any indications of flirting are just in his imagination. Wishful thinking. As usual. He grabs the remote, jabbing the play button.

His melancholy over Cas fades quickly though, as he becomes engrossed in the program once again. When his favorite baker wins the season finale he pumps his fist, knocking over the nearly full bottle of beer in front of him. He curses as cold beer immediately soaks the knees of his jeans. The liquid quickly makes its way across the coffee table and Dean lunges, grabbing Cas' sketchbook just in time and tossing it on the couch behind him. He pulls his shirt off and blocks off most of the spill while he goes to grab a rag. 

By the time he's done cleaning, both he and the table are a sticky mess. He stands up and stretches, grimacing at the way his wet jeans cling to his knees as he heads to his room to change. 

As soon as he closes the door he shimmies out of his pants and tosses them into the hamper before turning to his dresser with a groan. He's been putting off laundry for more than a week now and he's down to the dregs. He finds a pair of old sweatpants that still fit, but the only clean shirts he has left are too small. He digs into his hamper for something reasonably clean, but everything has developed a pretty disgusting funk.

He gives up and crosses the hall over to Cas's room to borrow a shirt instead. He bypasses the closet when he sees a fresh stack of laundry sitting at the foot of the bed. He doesn't even feel guilty since he finds one of his own shirts tucked in the stack. 

He isn't in the mood to study for his next nursing exam so he stalls and wanders over to Cas' bookcase. He runs his finger down the spines of the books until he gets to _The Sirens of Titan_. He grins and plucks it off the shelf. 

He'd given it to Cas their freshman year of college. Cas had been at a low point, chafing at the strict expectations of his oldest brother, Michael. He'd been wondering if it was even worth finishing college if he'd still be under his brother's thumb. Dean's never been good with words, so instead he'd let Vonnegut respond for him. 

He knows what it says inside the cover but he opens it up anyway. 

_Cas —_

_You asked me what the purpose of anything was if you had no control over the outcome. I felt that way a lot with my dad, and this book helped me. It's silly and sarcastic and I think you'll like it too._

_Dean_

_(ps. See page 253)_

Dean's heart races as he flips to that page right now. He'd highlighted the quote for Cas, but the underlining is new. _"A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved."_

At the time, he'd thought highlighting that quote was as good as a love confession, but Cas had never said a word. He'd just thanked Dean for the book and told him he enjoyed it.

Dean still doesn't know if Cas didn't take the hint or if he purposefully ignored it in order to spare Dean's feelings. Either way, it's still one of Dean's favorite books so he borrows it and returns to the couch to read. A few chapters later his phone buzzes and he picks it up to see a new set of messages from Cas.

_Gabe's passed out. I'm bored. I hid his keys so he can't get into trouble. I think I'm going to head home._

Dean smiles and begins typing a reply but another text comes in before he can send it.

_You still home? I wanna talk to you about something_

Dean's mouth runs dry as he tries to imagine what it could be. He's told Cas a million fucking times how much he hates these vague "we need to talk" statements. He exhales and texts back, _I'm still here. Everything ok?_

Cas replies _, Yeah. Something good actually. See you in ten_

It's hard not to wonder what Cas wants to tell him, and he spends the next ten minutes staring at the pages of the book without really reading them. When he hears the door open he turns to greet Cas, but instead of coming straight to the living room, Cas detours to the kitchen. Dean sets the book down and wipes his suddenly clammy palms on his pants.

When Cas finally appears, it's with a pie tin in his hands and a smile on his face. 

"Hello Dean." Cas sets the pie and two forks on the coffee table and sits down next to him. "I stole this from Gabe's fridge as recompense." Cas peels the foil off the top and reveals a dutch apple pie.

It's almost enough to completely waylay Dean's fears. Gabe's pies are legendary. He grabs a fork and digs in. "Dude, this is totally worth drunk Gabe." 

"Says the guy who stayed here watching porn." Cas teases as he spears a slice of apple on his fork.

Dean fumbles his fork and tries not to stare as Cas wraps his lips around a sticky chunk of apple. It leaves a smudge of shiny filling on his upper lip that Cas takes his time licking off afterward. 

Dean shifts uncomfortably and looks away, trying to avoid ogling his best friend. "Hey, we all have needs. Mine just happen to involve pie." He's embarrassed by the husky quality of his voice and clears his throat. "So what did you wanna talk about?"

Cas perks up at that and lays his fork down on the table. "I talked to Kali."

"Yeah?"

"Gabe called her before he showed up here. She came over to check on him and we ended up talking. I was working on my tattoo portfolio when she arrived." He fidgets on the couch and tugs on his lip ring before continuing. "She offered me an apprenticeship."

"No fucking way, that's awesome man!" Dean surges forward and pulls Cas into a firm hug.

Cas squeezes him back briefly. When he lets go, his fingers brush the short hairs on the back of Dean's neck and Dean shivers.

"Thank you, Dean." Cas leans back against the couch again. "Nothing is certain yet. We're going to hammer out the details in the shop tomorrow and see if we can come to an agreement that works for both of us." He picks his fork back up, leaving a puddle of pie filling on the table that he swipes his finger through. "And it's not like she would be doing it for free. I'm still not sure if I can afford it. My savings account has all of eighty dollars in it."

"Yeah, but she's not gonna rob you either. Kali's cool. Plus, she's practically your sister-in-law. Maybe she actually will do it for free," Dean says, shrugging.

Cas smiles but shakes his head. "She might give me a discount, but she certainly won't train me for free. Kali's a sought-after artist — her linework is probably the best in the state." He sighs and runs a hand back through his hair, causing the gelled spikes to fall apart. "Kali may be a friend, but she's a businesswoman above all else. My best hope is that she's willing to take small payments and defer the bulk of the cost until later. No matter what we agree to, I'm going to have to find a way to cut my budget." 

"Okay, gloomy Gus, I hear you." Dean reaches over and slaps Cas' hand away from his hair. "Stop doing that, you look like a drowned hedgehog. And stop worrying so much. You've got this." He grins and knocks his knee into Cas'. "We should celebrate!"

"Maybe. It's not that big of a deal and I don't want to jinx it. Let's see how this first week goes. If everything is still good on Friday maybe we can call people up and go out then."

"Alright, buddy. Sounds like a plan. What are you up to now? Wanna have a mini celebration with cheap beer and bad reality TV?"

Cas grabs the remote before Dean even finishes speaking. "Of course, Dean."


	2. Chapter 2

Cas' first week apprenticing is a complete success, to nobody's surprise except his own. Dean almost feels like it's his own dream come true with how proud and excited he feels. Cas has been interested in body art, and especially tattooing, for as long as Dean has known him. It had been a huge slap in the face when Cas' older brother, Michael, had refused to give Cas access to the family bank account unless he majored in finance or business. Since Michael was his legal guardian, there was little Cas could do about it. He'd resisted and majored in art anyway, working part-time and surviving off the food of broke college kids everywhere — ramen. 

Cas probably would have managed fine had it not been for Dean. When Dean's dad had died during their sophomore year, Dean reacted by driving off in a rage and crashing Baby. He'd ended up in the hospital for months and lost his place in the competitive nursing program. When he'd finally recovered he'd been so discouraged that he'd been close to giving up on school completely. Cas had quietly changed his major — regaining Michael's financial support and favor — and used his family's influence and money to get Dean reinstated in the program. Dean had been shocked to find out that he'd been moved back to the top of the program's waiting list for the next year and crushed when he discovered how. It had remained a sore subject between them for years.

With time though, they'd gotten past it. Dean was in his final year now and Cas had kept his promise to Michael and graduated from the finance program with honors — although he'd promptly thrown the degree in Michael's face by working for Kali, instead of one of his family's firms. Luckily, that decision is finally bearing fruit. It'll probably take Dean a lifetime to pay Cas back for all he's done, but at least he can take him out for celebratory drinks tonight.

"You almost ready, Cas?" Dean calls out as he looks into the mirror and straightens his jacket's collar. The only person he plans on going home with tonight is Cas, but it never hurts to look good. He casts a wink at his reflection and goes to see what's taking Cas so long.

"Blue or red tie?" Cas asks as soon as Dean walks into his room. 

A wave of want washes over Dean. Cas has exchanged his usual loose and rumpled look for something sleek and fitted. His black dress shirt clings to him and highlights the strong expanse of his shoulders while his dark jeans hug the thick muscles of his thighs.

Running has been _very_ good for Cas. And _very_ bad for Dean's libido.

Even though Cas claimed they didn't need to celebrate, it's apparent he's just as excited as Dean is. This look isn't him though. Cas just isn't a perfectly tailored kinda guy.

Dean licks his dry lips and raises his eyes to where Cas is looking at him expectantly. "Uh, I'd just skip the tie. And here," he walks right into Cas' space until he can feel the heat of each exhale of Cas' breath. "Let's unbutton this." His fingers tremble ever so slightly as he undoes the first two buttons of Cas' shirt. 

Cas stays statue still as Dean works, only breathing after Dean steps back. He smiles shyly and murmurs, "Thanks, Dean." 

When he slips his ratty old trench coat over the ensemble, it should ruin the effect. Instead, Dean finds himself swallowing the lump that is suddenly blocking his throat. He manages a wobbly smile. "Anytime, man. Let's go!"

When they arrive at Harvelle's Roadhouse, Charlie's already commandeered a table and is sitting at one end. Their old college buddies Benny and Garth, and Cas' cousin Anna and his coworker Dorothy make up the rest of the table. There are a few noticeable absences from their circle but Dean figures that's due to the last minute arrangements. 

Dean snags a chair from another table and slides it next to the existing one at the end of the table. He sits down, waving Cas to the chair next to him. 

Before he has a chance to speak, Jo shows up with a pitcher of beer. She thunks it down on the table and grins at Cas. "So I hear congratulations are in order."

Cas ducks his head a bit and Dean wonders how a guy covered in tattoos and piercings can look so adorable. 

"Thank you, Jo. I'm still afraid it's too early to celebrate but Dean insisted."

"Any excuse to get you drunk, huh?" Jo asks.

Dean shoots a glare at Jo, but luckily Cas seems to miss the implication since he's focused on greeting their friends. Charlie does notice, however, and tries to hide her laugh with a fake cough.

Over the course of the next two rounds of beer, Cas tells everyone about his week. Dean only half listens since he and Cas have already talked about it at length. Instead, he finds himself focusing on the minutia of Cas' expressions. The happy lines around his mouth and eyes seem to highlight how soft his features are tonight. The dark blue of his eyes looks grey in the dim light of the bar and his lips look plush and kissable as they flex and curl as he jokes with Charlie. When he laughs the overhead lights catch his lip ring, making it glint. 

"Dean?" 

Cas' voice makes Dean snap his focus from his mouth to the actual words that Cas is saying. "What's up buddy?"

Cas leans closer to Dean and smiles softly, lowering his voice. "I said you've been quiet tonight. Is everything okay?"

Dean chuckles self-consciously and swings an arm around Cas' shoulder, giving him a brief squeeze. "Just thinking about how happy I am for you."

Cas' eyes soften even further. "I wouldn't be here without your support, Dean."

Dean looks away uncomfortably at that. He doesn't want to argue with Cas, but that's about as far from the truth as you can get. Cas would have an art degree if it hadn't been for Dean. He glances back at Cas and sees that his brow is furrowed in concern, which is the last thing Dean wants. 

He slams his hand on the table and stands up. "How about we move to something a little stronger?"

Most of the table cheers, but Charlie and Cas are both looking at him with expressions that are a little too thoughtful. He avoids their eyes and walks over to the bar, where Jo is waiting with her arms crossed.

"Come to get more liquid courage? If you stare at Cas any closer I'm afraid hearts are gonna start floating right out of your eyes." 

"Yeah, yeah, you're a riot." Dean plunks down on a stool and hears a loud whoop from behind him. He turns his head to see what the commotion is. Mandy, the other bartender working tonight, is sitting down in his vacant chair, pushing into Cas' space. He grimaces as she gives Cas a hug that's far too intimate in his opinion.

"So did you want another round, or did you just want to glare at Mandy?" Jo leans on the bar, resting her chin in her hands.

"A round of whiskey shots. You almost off?" He forces himself to ignore the spectacle behind him. Cas is a grown-ass man; he can fend off her advances himself. Or not fend them off. It's not like Dean has any claim on him.

"Yeah, I'm just waiting for my mom to finish some inventory in the back. I'll bring your shots over in a few." She taps on the bar when Dean's attention starts to wander again. "You ever going to make a move, Dean? You can't just glare at everyone that looks at Cas forever. He's hot, smart, and an artist. I'm surprised he hasn't been snapped up already."

Dean forces himself to meet her eyes. He knows his pining for Cas is an open secret, but that doesn't mean he likes acknowledging it. "It's complicated, kiddo. I promise to be nice to Mandy. See you in a few."

He leaves before Jo can reply, not really interested in any of her input. He knows he could say something to Cas, but with their past it's complicated. If they were just roommates or just best friends he might be willing to risk it, but with them spending almost every free hour together, it could be a disaster. 

Mandy is still sitting in his seat when he gets back, but instead of getting another chair, he squeezes himself in between Cas and Mandy and leans against the table, forcing her to scoot sideways a bit. "Alright folks, Jo will be by with some shots in just a few minutes, so chug those beers and let's get started!"

Cas turns to Mandy and offers to pour her a beer, but she declines and gets up from the table, stating that she needs to get back to work.

Dean bites his tongue and offers a half-hearted wave as she leaves. He sinks down into the chair she vacated, immediately regretting the way he'd forced her into moving the chair away.

"So, Mandy seems into you." Dean wants to take the words back as soon as they leave his mouth. He doesn't know what he's trying to accomplish by bringing this up.

"Hmm, yes. I suppose so." Cas answers without looking at Dean, instead focusing on the designs his finger makes as he runs it through the rings of moisture left on the table from their glasses. 

Dean is happy to let the subject drop, but Benny apparently overheard him and scoots his chair closer.

"She's a beauty, Cas. And real nice. You thinkin' about asking for her number?"

Cas' expression is somewhere between embarrassed and pleased as he pulls a napkin out of his jacket. A phone number is carefully written and underlined on it. "She dropped this in my pocket before she left."

Benny grins and reaches across Dean to cuff Cas on the shoulder. "Man, you artist types have it easy. So you gonna call her? Or maybe see when she gets off?" 

Cas glances at Dean and shrugs. "Maybe another time. I think Dean and I might do something later."

That's news to Dean, but he's more than happy to go along with it. "Yep, Cas and I have a hot date after this. Mandy will have to find another fish tonight." 

A contemplative look crosses Cas' face at Dean's words, but Dean can't tell much beyond that. Dean tries to catch his eyes, but Jo arrives.

"Alright you turkeys. First round is on me since I didn't get much of a chance to congratulate our future Sailor Jerry here." She walks around the table, plopping a shot down in front of each of them, before snagging a chair and sliding in next to Anna with her own shot. "To Cas!"

"To Cas!" They all repeat and then toss back their shots. 

One round of shots quickly becomes two, and then three. They play a few games of darts but spend most of the night just catching up with each other. Charlie flirts outrageously with Dorothy throughout the night, but Dean's too distracted by Cas to see if it goes anywhere. As the night wears on the group starts dispersing. Anna takes off first, followed quickly by Garth. Benny and Jo hold out a while longer, but when Jo leaves to help her mom clean up, Benny takes off as well. Dorothy and Charlie must have slipped out without Dean noticing. He doesn't think Cas needs to worry about being inundated with pictures of Gilda anymore.

A tension Dean didn't know he'd been carrying leaves his shoulders when it's just him and Cas again. It's not that Dean doesn't enjoy his other friends or have a good time with them, but it's always been different with Cas — easier. 

Cas seems to feel the same, leaning back in his chair with a smile. His eyes are bright and his cheeks are flushed from the alcohol. He's not drunk, not quite, and neither is Dean. Instead, they're just the right side of tipsy. The table is empty now, but neither of them moves, remaining huddled together at one end with their chairs pushed together. 

Cas leans even further into Dean's space and flashes a gummy smile. "I really do have you to thank for this in so many ways, Dean."

Dean wants to look away, but he also doesn't want to miss a second of the happiness on Cas' face. "That's ridiculous."

"No, it's not. I basically gave up on my art after switching my major to finance. You're the one who pushed me to keep going. Plus you're the one who convinced me to apply at Kali's at all." Cas taps Dean on the nose a bit harder than he probably means to.

Dean knocks Cas' hand away and rolls his eyes. "You also would've never been in that position if it wasn't for me. You fucked up your future for me, man. I'm just glad you're such a stubborn son of a bitch that you're still making it work."

Cas shrugs and smiles. "You told me before — we're family. Much more so than my shitty blood relatives. Besides you'd have done the same for me and you've done similar before."

It's an argument they've had countless times so Dean lets it drop. Cas is right. Over their nearly ten years of friendship, they've both pulled some crazy, sometimes dangerous, stunts in order to help each other. At fifteen, he'd even stolen his dad's car once, trying to get Cas out of a jam. His dad had almost killed him for that. So yeah, Dean supposes it's fair to say that it's just what you do for family. 

But sometimes, Dean really wishes he'd chosen a different word to use.

"Yeah, we're family, Cas. Always will be." They share a soft smile and Dean wonders why he can't just be happy with this. With having the best friend he's ever had by his side. Why he has to want more. It's why he sticks to one night stands now. It isn't fair to lead someone on when his heart is stuck on someone else. 

Mandy makes her way over to their table, a bottle of whiskey balanced on a tray. She sits down on the other side of Cas and smiles. "Last call boys. Ellen's closing up, but first, it's my turn to offer my congratulations!" She fills three shot glasses and passes one down to Dean before picking one up and holding it in front of Cas. She leans in as she holds it close to him. "You know, I've always wanted a tattoo. Maybe I can stop by and you can tell me what you think would look best on me."

Dean slams his shot back without waiting for Mandy to finish her toast or whatever she's saying. He grabs the bottle from her and pours himself another.

"Slow down there cowboy." She grabs the bottle back and gives Dean a critical once over. "I think I better have Ellen call a ride for you."

Dean grinds his teeth but Cas cuts in before he can do anything further.

"Thank you, but there's no need." Cas holds up his phone. "Uber's already on the way."

Mandy deflates a bit at that. "Oh, alright then. Congratulations on the new job, handsome. And a raincheck on the tattoo talk." 

Cas nods as she heads back to the bar.

Dean isn't sure what to say, so of course he says something stupid. "You're missing your chance there, buddy."

Cas squints at Dean. "I thought you said we had plans after this."

Dean is once again at a loss. He'd thought that was just Cas deflecting attention. "Uh, sure. I mean nothing's gonna be open this late, but I could whip up some brownies and we could play Xbox at home."

Cas smiles and for a second Dean forgets where he is. It's that bright. "Hmm that's not quite the hot date I expected, but it's good enough for me."

Dean knows that Cas is just using the word "date" because that's what Dean called it earlier, but it still makes Dean's heart jump in his chest. They share a soft smile and sit there quietly for a few minutes. They're the last patrons in the bar now and the only noise is the clink of bottles as Mandy and Ellen clean up. Dean's hesitant to say anything to break the small bubble of warmth they seem to be enclosed in. 

"You boys wanna make eyes all night then you've gotta take it home. Scoot, I need to lock up." Ellen flicks a rag at them as she walks by their table.

They share an embarrassed grin and Cas checks his phone. "Driver will be here in ten, we can wait outside." 

They stand up and pull on their jackets. Dean throws some cash down on the table, leaving a hefty tip. Cas opens his mouth but Dean holds up a hand. "C'mon, this was my treat."

Cas mouth twists in indecision but he eventually nods. "Thank you, Dean."

The moment they step outside the sky opens up and fat heavy raindrops splash the sidewalk in front of them. They huddle under the short overhang of the roof and try the door, but it must have automatically locked behind them. 

Cas pulls his phone out and swears. "Damn it. Driver's now estimating twenty minutes. Think Ellen will hear us if we bang on the back door?"

Dean's sure she will, but he doesn't want to go back in the bar. Cas has been busy all week, learning how to juggle his normal work week and the apprenticeship. Dean's beyond happy for Cas, but he also misses him and he doesn't feel like sharing his attention any longer. The fact that Mandy is probably going to come out at any moment and offer them a ride further spurs him into his decision.

"What if we just run for it? If we book it we can be home in ten." He licks his lips as he waits for Cas' answer.

Cas squints at him. "You want to run home. In the rain." 

The universe is on Dean's side because as soon as Cas stops speaking the rain slows to a light shower. Dean sticks his hand out from under the overhang and grins. "Yeah man, it's not even that cold."

"Alright, Dean." Cas messes with his phone for a moment and then looks up and graces Dean with another of his irresistible smiles. "I canceled the Uber. Let's go before it starts pouring again."

They dash to the street corner, then jog in place to stay warm as they wait for the light to change. The rain is cool but not heavy enough to soak through their clothing just yet. 

Dean turns to see how Cas is doing and almost forgets how to breathe. Cas looks ethereal in the orange glow of the streetlamp. His hair and eyelashes are dusted with tiny water droplets and his cheeks are red from the cold and exertion. The red of the traffic signal just barely reaches him and glints off the rings in his eyebrow and lip. He's scruffy where his five o'clock shadow has grown in, and he is the most beautiful thing Dean has ever seen in his life. It hits him like a bulldozer. Cas is it. It doesn't matter what else happens or who else he meets. Nobody will ever compare to him. 

The light changes and Cas runs for it. He only takes a few steps before he slips on the slick asphalt, though. Dean lunges after him, grabbing his hand before he can fall. He pulls Cas the rest of the way across the intersection before the light can change again. When their feet hit the sidewalk Dean keeps going. It gives him an excuse to not let go of Cas' hand. 

Dean's pulse races as he realizes that Cas isn't letting go either. 

They run down the street laughing and stumbling and probably wake up half the neighborhood. They're acting like drunken teenagers but Dean doesn't care. He's gleeful and buoyant as he tears down the rain-slicked pavement holding his best friend's hand. The rain picks up a bit but it doesn't matter. Nothing can dim this feeling.

He looks at Cas and another bubble of joy swells inside him. He squeezes Cas' hand without even thinking about it. Cas returns the pressure and Dean's heart feels like it's about to beat out of his chest. For the first time in years, his hope outweighs his doubt. He might not be alone in this and hell, even if he is he can't hold it in any longer. 

They're only a few yards from their apartment building but Dean is done waiting. He digs his heels in and pulls Cas to a stop with him. Cas stumbles at the sudden change and Dean steadies him with a hand on his hip, still holding his other hand. 

"Cas." He meets Cas' eyes and takes a steadying breath. Cas inhales sharply and all Dean can think is _he knows_. Cas is standing perfectly still letting Dean hold his hand and he knows what Dean's going to say. Even more thrilling is that Cas doesn't look upset or disgusted or angry or any of those things. He just looks expectant and Dean will take that. He opens his mouth to put it all out there and —

"Meg?" 

Dean blinks as Cas pulls out of his grip and jogs the final few steps to the building. Dean now sees that Meg is huddled in front of their building in a thin dress that does nothing to shield her from the rain. The moment Cas approaches she throws herself into his arms. 

The weightless feeling of minutes ago disappears entirely. Dean approaches slowly, bitterly observing the way Cas holds her close and strokes her back. He's murmuring in her ear and Dean feels like a top grade idiot. Somehow he had conveniently forgotten about Meg — the ex who never leaves.

Cas lets go of Meg and removes his jacket, placing it around her shoulders. He turns to Dean and he knows what Cas is going to say already. "I'm going to get Meg home. I'm not sure when I —"

"Yeah whatever, see you later." Dean cuts him off and turns away. He gets a tiny win when he gets the key in on the first try. Closing the door behind him, he's overcome with self-loathing. He slams his fist against the door and slumps down in defeat as he wonders how he let himself get to this state and if there's any going back.


	3. Chapter 3

By the time Dean wakes up, it's already past noon and the apartment is quiet. He pauses outside Cas' door but he doesn't hear anything. He resisted the urge to wait up and find out if Cas spent the night at Meg's or not, but the question still lingers. 

The kitchen looks much the same when he walks in, but that means nothing. Cas forgets to eat on an almost daily basis. Dean makes himself some hangover food and tries to ignore how empty the apartment feels. It doesn't matter if Cas came home last night, he reminds himself. It's none of his business. He tries to ignore it, but it's like an itch that's just out of reach. Every time Dean tries to get his mind off Cas, something else reminds him of last night. 

It doesn't help that he knows he's a total hypocrite. Dean brings home women and the occasional man on a pretty regular basis and stays out his fair share of nights too. So it's really none of his business that Cas is probably at Meg's. Knowing that doesn't stop him from glancing at Cas' closed door.

He's finished breakfast and is setting his plate in the sink when the front door opens. Cas walks in, still wearing the same clothes as the night before. If there was any doubt about where he spent the night it's laid to rest when Meg walks in behind him. 

"What a pity. We missed breakfast." Meg wipes a finger through the grease in the skillet and sucks it off her finger. "Too bad. I hear you're a great cook, Seacrest." 

Dean's hands clench around the plate and he forces himself to set it down gently. He doesn't turn around when he speaks. "I guess you guys were up too late last night." He doesn't know why he wants to rub salt in the wound, but apparently, he does.

Meg snorts. "Right." She opens the refrigerator and comes out with the orange juice that Dean bought specifically for Sam's upcoming visit. Dean scrubs at the dishes, wondering how long he's going to have to play nice.

"That's Dean's. You can have some of my grapefruit juice." Cas says as he collapses into one of the kitchen chairs.

"Yeah, no thanks. I'm sure Deanie here doesn't mind me stealing one little ol' glass." Meg simpers at Dean as she fills up an extra large mug to the brim.

The orange juice has nothing to do with why Dean is in such a foul mood, but it's enough to push him past caring. He stalks over to Meg, snatches the cup out of her hands, and drinks the entire thing before setting the cup down in the sink. 

Meg looks startled for a second but then breaks into peals of laughter. "Oh my god, you're jealous. You're being a whiny pissbaby ‘cause Cas didn't come home last night."

"Meg!" Cas doesn't look tired anymore, he looks angry, jaw clenching as he grips the edge of the table.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch, Clarence. I'm on my way out. You two can resume your childish games in just a moment." Meg grabs another mug out of the cabinet and pours herself more juice. She holds Dean's gaze as she drinks it down and smacks her lips once she's done.

Dean crosses his arms and waits for her to finish.

She smirks and sets the cup on the table. "See you boys later." 

Dean turns back to the sink and tries to tune out the sounds of Cas saying goodbye to Meg. When the apartment door closes he turns off the faucet. He has the sinking feeling that a talk is coming. He dries his hands and casts his eyes towards the hallway, but there's no time to escape.

"Dean —"

"Look man, it's none of my business who you date or what you do. And what Meg said? She's just trying to stir shit up. Trust me, I'm not jealous."

Cas' voice is carefully modulated when he responds. "I never thought you were jealous, Dean. I simply wanted to apologize for ditching our plans last night. I wouldn't have, but Meg —"

"Seriously, no need to apologize. We didn't really have plans anyway, right? 

"Dean, will you please stop interrupting me? I only went with Meg because she had an altercation with her date and wanted some company in case he came by." Cas' chair scrapes against the linoleum as he scoots it back and stands up. His adam's apple bobs as he looks away. "And I obviously misunderstood about our plans for the evening, so I'm glad my absence didn't inconvenience you." He leaves the kitchen and the sound of his door closing can be heard a moment later.

Dean looks in the direction of Cas' closed door as he parses out exactly what Cas said. One thing immediately stands out: Cas and Meg didn't spend the night together. 

Once that sinks in, the more important realization that Cas' feelings are hurt also hits him. Dean stands up to follow Cas and apologize but what would he say? Sorry I was an ass, I actually _was_ jealous and upset that you went home with her? Yeah, that would go over great. 

He sits back down instead. He's better off leaving Cas alone. If Dean's ever going to get his feelings for Cas under control he needs to put more distance between them, and so he resolves to do just that from now on. It's going to suck, but it'll be better for both of them in the long run.

 

The next two weeks confirm that keeping his distance sucks just as much as Dean feared.

He starts going to the Roadhouse after work just to waste time but quickly realizes that drinking under the watchful eyes of Jo and Ellen isn't doing much good. Every sympathetic look that Jo sends him reminds him of how fucking obvious his feelings for Cas are, and how lucky he is that Cas is almost completely oblivious to social cues.

He switches to a seedy bar close to home. It's dirty, dark, and they can barely pour a beer right, but it fits his mood better. Within a few days, the bartenders know to skip the small talk and just set out a beer when he sits down.

Because his luck is just perfect though, this time he runs into Meg. 

"Howdy, freckles. I hear you've been playing hooky and staying out late. What a naughty hubby you are."

"Fuck off, Meg." Dean's tired of avoiding Cas and not in the mood to deal with Meg's bullshit.

"Temper, temper. My poor unicorn is all twisted up inside, trying to figure out what he did wrong."

Dean grits his teeth. He knows she's telling the truth. Cas obviously notices Dean's absences but he never says anything about it. Sometimes though, when Dean walks in late, there is this sadness in Cas' eyes that strikes Dean like a punch to the gut. He doesn't need to be reminded of that right now. "Look, it's none of your business, Meg. Don't you have a Barbie doll to torch or something?"

"I really wish it was none of my business, but I'm the one stuck learning how delicate his feelings can be." Her eyes harden and she drops the teasing tone. "I couldn't give two shits about your manpain, Dean. It actually amuses me. But Cas is pretty much the best friend I have, and I'm tired of the big sad eyes."

Dean slams back his drink and signals for another. "I don't know what you want me to say. I'm not avoiding him, I'm just busy." 

"Cut the bullshit, Romeo. You got all jealous because you thought I was tapping that delicious bootie. But you couldn't man up to say anything so you ran away instead."

Dean fights to keep his expression neutral. It's one thing for Jo to know about his unrequited love, but Meg is a different story. "I don't know where you're getting your intel, but it sucks. I wasn't jealous of you, Meg. I was hungover. End of story." 

"Whatever you say." The bartender slides a shot in front of her and she knocks it back. "Cas tells me you're his bestest friend, so I just thought I'd pass along the fact that he's stressed out of his mind right now."

Dean's stomach clenches at her words, but he studiously avoids meeting her gaze.

When she gets no reaction she shrugs and slides off the barstool, tossing a ten on the bar. "But since I'm wrong and you haven't been avoiding him I'm sure you already knew that. See you around."

It takes everything within Dean not to go home right that moment. He finishes his drink and immediately signals for another. Great fucking friend he's been. Cas is struggling and Dean drops out of his life to go mope. He reminds himself that staying away is what's best for both of them, but it rings false.

The truth is, Dean's just afraid. He's afraid that if he says anything it will damage the best friendship he's ever had. He's afraid that things will change and he's afraid that they won't. But most of all he's afraid of losing the tiny spark of hope that lives on as long as he keeps his feelings a secret.

He's not ready to let that go yet, even though he knows it makes him selfish. He finishes off the last of his drink as a hand drops on his shoulder.

He tenses up and turns, but it's nobody he knows. He gives the guy a quick once-over. Sandy hair, dark eyes, slim build. The guy is decent looking, in an average kind of way. The only thing that really stands out about him are the cowboy boots. Dean spends a moment admiring those. 

"This seat taken?" The man asks as he slides onto it without waiting for an answer.

Dean shrugs rather than replying. He's not sure how he feels about this development yet. A quick fuck might help or it might just send him further down the rabbit hole of angst.

"I don't mean to bother you if you're not looking for company, but I hate to drink alone." The guy waves the bartender over and turns. "Can I buy you another?"

Dean licks his lips and makes a decision. He flashes his best smile at the newcomer. "Sure. Whiskey, straight. And thanks." 

One drink turns into more, and before he knows it Dean is being kicked out of a bar at closing for the second time in as many weeks. He shuts down that line of thought viciously, determined to forget about Cas tonight. 

"You feel like moving this somewhere more private?" In the light of the streetlamp, Dean can see that the man's eyes are dark but his smile is bright and flirty.

"Not mine." Dean immediately replies. Cas is probably asleep by now, but Dean can't risk it. He doesn't think he could stomach seeing him right now.

The man's eyes flick down and Dean realizes the guy is looking for a ring. "Alright. My car's in the back." 

Dean's unease grows with each step he takes. His chest feels like it's in a vice and he wonders what he's doing. He doesn't even know the guy's name, but he follows anyway, focusing on the clip of the man's boots on the sidewalk. He matches his breathing to the steady sound as he thinks. 

By the time they reach a red Volkswagen Beetle, Dean's stomach is in knots and he realizes he can't go through with this. He places his hand on the other man's arm to stop him. "Hey man, I'm really sorry but —"

The man snorts derisively before Dean can finish explaining. "Alright which is it," he asks. " Married or closeted?" Contempt twists the man's face as he crosses his arms.

"What?" The question throws Dean and he stares in confusion. 

The man rolls his eyes. "I could hear you panicking loud and clear. And I guess I don't really care which it is. But next time maybe don't wait until you're at the guy's car to back out." He slams his car door in Dean's face. 

Dean stares after him in shock as he speeds out of the parking lot. He consoles himself that even if he wasn't hung up on Cas, the guy's car still would have been a deal breaker. 

He walks home, gradually sobering along the way. As he walks he lets his mind wander, thinking about Cas, about himself, about how to handle this damn mess. 

Dean's been in love with Cas for years now, but he keeps fooling himself into thinking it's something he can handle. That he can be happy with just friendship from Cas. That if he just ignores it or waits long enough he'll move past it or it will fade. 

But instead the opposite has been true. Every day, week, month, and year that passes just makes him fall further. And it's become harder and harder to distract himself with one night stands.

There's no point in lying to himself any longer. There will always be a part of him that wants more from Cas. More than he could ever ask for. He's utterly gone on Cas and he probably will be for the rest of his life.

And he can't let Cas find out. 

When he gets home Cas is waiting for him. He's stretched out on the couch reading _Sirens_ with a half-full cup of tea beside him. His hair is sticking up on one side and his big toe is poking out of a hole at the end of his sock. A large envelope rests on his stomach and rises and falls with every breath. He looks ridiculous and perfect and Dean aches for what he'll never have. 

Dean shoves his feelings down and schools his expression as he walks over to the couch with forced nonchalance. "Hey, Cas. You're up late."

"I couldn't sleep." Cas sits up and tugs at his lip ring, looking to the side. "You've been avoiding me, Dean. Are you ready to tell me what's going on?"

Dean bites back a groan and drops onto the couch next to Cas. He's not in the mood for this conversation, but he can't ignore it any longer. "I'm not mad at you, Cas. Don't think that. I've just been having a rough week. Keep striking out at the bar and all." He winks but it falls flat. 

Instead of looking pleased or relieved Cas just looks pensive. "Alright." 

Dean slaps Cas on the shoulder and gets up. "I've gotta get to bed, you probably should too. Meg mentioned you've been working yourself ragged this week."

Cas freezes and looks at Dean with his eyes narrowed. "Meg spoke with you?"

"Yeah, ran into her at the bar. We talked and I just want to say I'm sorry. I didn't —"

"I see." Cas shoves the envelope into his book and stands, giving Dean a quick smile. "Don't worry about it. Meg shouldn't have said anything."

Dean eyes Cas warily. "Are you sure? If you want to talk more we can." It's actually the last thing Dean wants to do but he doesn't like the way Cas is avoiding his eyes or how tightly he squeezes the book in his hands.

"I'm sure. Besides, you're right, it's late. Let's just go to bed." 

Cas leaves before Dean can do more than frown. 


	4. Chapter 4

Dean tries to go back to the way things were before. It isn't like it's much of a sacrifice to stay home and skip the bar. He doesn't want a repeat of what happened with the Volkswagen guy, and he can't really afford it anyway. Lately though, it doesn't matter if he's home or not.

Cas spends up to twelve hours a day at Divine Ink now. He assists Kali for a few hours every morning and then works the swing shift afterward. Every time Dean sees Cas he looks more and more run down. 

In a reverse of earlier in the week, it's Dean this time that sits and waits for Cas to get home from an unusually late night at the shop.

When Cas walks in the door his eyes are as shadowed and his shoulders slump towards the floor. Most tellingly, his lips are not just chapped, but swollen and red. Cas has bitten his lips when he's worried or anxious for as long as Dean's known him, and the state of his lips is often a good indicator of his mood. Their current condition tells Dean all he needs to know. 

Dean takes Cas' arm and leads him to the couch, settling in beside him. "What's going on, man? You're working yourself ragged. You can't keep doing this."

It says a lot that Cas doesn't even try to argue. "I know, but I'm not sure what else to do. I can't afford to work less." 

Dean frowns. "I don't get it. I thought you and Kali worked out a decent deal."

"We did." Cas bites at his thumbnail. "But I can't afford to work less." He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment before looking at Dean again. "Lucifer is suing me."

"What?" Dean tears his attention away from how ridiculously attractive Cas' hands are. "What could he even sue you for?" Cas' brother is a total snake who lives up to his name, but this seems a little extreme even for him. 

Cas' smile is strained as he holds up an envelope that Dean recognizes as the same one Cas had been holding during their last late-night conversation. "He's suing me for the money Michael paid towards my degree. He claims Michael paid for it using a joint account in both of their names without consulting him."

Dean feels a twinge of guilt as he realizes this must have been what Cas was hoping to discuss with him earlier in the week. "Well, shouldn't he be suing Michael then?" 

Cas shrugs. "Maybe he's suing him too. I haven't called Michael yet to ask. I should." 

Dean's stomach twists at the thought of Cas contacting Michael. Cas' family is toxic. His parents had both died while Cas was young, so his brothers raised him, and Gabe's the only halfway decent one. Dean wouldn't be surprised if Michael and Lucifer were in on this together. They spend half their time fighting each other and the rest of their time manipulating others to their benefit. All too often he's seen Cas drawn into the middle of it.

Dean drums his fingers on the coffee table. "Won't they just throw it out? I mean, Michael's name is on the account too."

Cas rests his hand on Dean's to stop the movement, causing Dean's heart to leap traitorously. "Maybe? But Lucifer has so many friends in high places that I'm sure he can get a default judgment against me unless I contest it." He spreads his hands and gives a crooked smile. "Which means I need to put aside enough money for both my apprenticeship and some type of cut-rate attorney." 

"Shit. Fucking Lucifer." Dean tips his head back to think. "Okay. What if we canceled the cable?" 

Cas shrugs. "It's a bundle deal, we'd only be saving twenty bucks. 

"Alright, then what if we moved to a smaller place?" 

Cas looks around incredulously. "Are you serious? This place is barely big enough as it is. You really think we could downsize to a one bedroom? And what, share a room again?"

Dean squirms under the force of Cas' disdain. "Hey, we did fine in college. I'd be okay with it." And while that's true, Dean can't help but imagine how much harder it will be to hide his attraction to Cas if they lose the privacy of separate bedrooms.

"No, that's ridiculous. I'm twenty-three years old, I'm not going to share a bedroom." He buries his face in his hands. "Ugh, I better call Michael."

Dean really doesn't want him to do that. 

He licks his lips. Cas isn't going to like what he says next. "What if I pay your half of the rent for a few months. I have some savings and we're short on orderlies at the hospital right now. I can pick up some extra shifts no problem." He pushes forward despite the flash of anger on Cas' face. "You did the same for me back in college, right?"

Cas looks away at that. "That was different."

Dean laughs. "How? I was in a shitty situation and you did whatever it took to help me. Let me do the same. I want to. You're more than my best friend, Cas." He stops there, heart lodged in his throat.

Cas leans forward and briefly squeezes Dean's hands. "I know, we're family." His eyes crinkle up in that way that never ceases to make Dean smile in return. "But I don't want you to do that, Dean. You're already helping Sam out and I don't want to add to that."

Dean starts to protest but Cas holds up his hand and cuts him off.

"Look, let's just drop it for now. What time is Sam getting in on Friday?"

"Two pm." Dean groans. "Shit, I forgot the air mattress got a hole in it."

"It's fine, he can stay in my room. I'll spend the weekend at Meg's."

Dean tries very hard to hide his reaction to that, but from the way Cas' jaw clenches and his lips thin, Dean doubts he succeeds.

"Dean." Cas pauses and seems to be choosing what to say next very carefully. "You have friends outside of me. In fact, you stayed over at Benny's just last week. I don't understand why it bothers you so much when I spend time with Meg."

It's Dean's turn to clench his jaw. There's no answer he's ready to give, so he tries to sidestep the question. "Will you even be able to get to work okay? She lives pretty far from Kali's." 

Cas narrows his eyes and Dean knows the subject isn't finished, but Cas allows the detour for now. "It's fine. She said she'll give me a ride on her way to work."

"Well that's all I was concerned about." Dean lies. 

Cas rolls his eyes but doesn't push Dean any further on the subject. "Have you gotten ahold of everyone for the party?"

Dean perks up and leans his elbows on his knees. "Just about. I wanna keep it a surprise, though. I'm gonna take Sam out to that veggie place he likes for dinner and tell everyone to come over then. Can you let everyone in and make sure they keep it down?"

"Of course. We should ask them to park around the block too. Let's write this down." Cas gets up and walks into the kitchen. The squeaky kitchen drawer opens a moment later and Cas can be heard rummaging around inside it.

When Cas doesn't return, Dean heaves himself off the couch and finds Cas sitting at the kitchen table, writing down a to-do list. There's a smear of ink down the side of Cas' hand, and the familiar sight sends a stab of longing through Dean. Cas looks more relaxed than he has all week and Dean has trouble keeping his eyes off him as he brews a fresh pot of coffee. 

They toss each other questions and answers about their plans for the weekend and eventually have it all sorted out. It'll basically be the same crew from their celebratory drinks the other week, with the addition of a few family friends and some old classmates of Sam's.

The only thing left to do is to download some of Sam's favorite music. Cas insists that since it's a party for Sam it's only right to play what he likes. Dean protests that since it's their apartment they should get to pick the music. Cas somehow twists that into Dean agreeing with him and thanks him for being so reasonable. Dean is too amused to argue.

Once the coffee is ready, Cas grabs a box of powdered beignets that he'd swiped from Gabe's shop and they dig in. As they sip coffee and shove the fried pastries in their mouths, it's easy for Dean to forget why he ever tried avoiding Cas. The coffee perks them up and they're soon laughing and smiling despite the trouble on the horizon. 

Spending time with Cas has always been unlike anything else Dean has experienced. Right from the start they were drawn together and at this point, they are perfectly in tune with each other. Years of friendship have resulted in them moving in and out of each other's orbits effortlessly.

As if summoned by Dean's thoughts, Cas is suddenly inches from him. Dean opens his mouth to ask what he's doing just as Cas brings his thumb up to wipe at the corner of Dean's mouth. He misses and instead his thumb dips ever so slightly into Dean's mouth, where the edge of Dean's tongue tags the skin of Cas' thumb.

Dean gasps, or maybe Cas does. It's impossible to tell. They're both frozen; Cas looks almost stricken as he stares at where the edge of his thumb rests on the swell of Dean's lower lip.

Dean can taste just a hint of sweetness from the sugar on Cas' thumb. He's struck by the dangerous impulse to suck the digit the rest of the way into his mouth and find out what Cas tastes like underneath all the sweet.

The standoff ends when saliva pools in Dean's mouth and he's forced to swallow. The movement causes his lips to brush against Cas' thumb in a parody of a kiss.

Cas jerks his hands away as if the touch burned. His expression is mild but the twin spots of color high in his cheeks belie his composure. He clears his throat. "Sorry. You had some powdered sugar there."

"No problem. Thanks for, ah, helping." Dean is mortified at the strained quality of his voice.

Awkward silence reigns as they look everywhere but at each other. They both finally speak at once.

"Well, I need to be back at the shop early tomorrow —"

"I think I'm gonna clean up and turn in —"

They exchange uncomfortable smiles as they make their way around each other, this time giving each other a wide berth. It's ridiculous behavior for best friends and it completely mocks Dean's earlier musings about their closeness, but hell if Dean knows what else to do.

As soon as Cas disappears into his room, Dean thumps his head against the refrigerator with a groan. Cas is pretty much the best thing in his life and has been for years. Why did Dean have to catch feelings and make things so damn complicated? 


	5. Chapter 5

They continue to dance around each other over the next two days. Dean doesn't exactly avoid Cas, but he doesn't seek him out either. Cas appears to be doing the same, and although it makes zero sense for Dean to be bothered by that, it doesn't stop the small sting of rejection that he feels.

As the week goes on, the tension in the apartment slowly eases. They still rarely see each other due to Cas' increased workload, but there's no longer a feeling of evasion between them. They text and leave each other notes in order to touch base about their plans for the weekend, and Dean finds himself finally feeling more at ease. 

He keeps thinking about what happened though.

Or more accurately, what could have happened. He wonders what Cas would have done if he'd wrapped his tongue around each of his fingers and sucked the sugar off them one by one. Would he have moaned or stayed silent? Offered his other hand or jerked away? Would his eyes have gone dark with lust like in Dean's imagination? 

Dean is prevented from any further fantasizing when his phone buzzes with a text. He checks it and then fires off a quick response and grabs his keys. For the first time in a while, all his worries about Cas vanish. Sam's in town.

Dean grins when he pulls up to the airport and sees Sam waiting for him. He hops out and pulls Sam into a hug before throwing his bag in the trunk. 

When Sam gets into the car, he looks at the empty backseat in surprise. "Where's Cas?"

Dean averts his eyes. "Change of plans; you'll see him in a few hours."

Sam scrutinizes him. "Oh my god. Are you _blushing_? What did you do?"

Dean frowns and struggles against the instinct to knock Sams hair out of his eyes. "I didn't _do_ anything."

"Dude, you're evading. Come on, it's not like I'll tell anyone."

Dean hunches his shoulders. "You won't because there's nothing to tell."

"Don't be that way. I haven't seen you in forever, I want to know what's going on with you. C'mon Dean." Sam gives him puppy dog eyes and offers an earnest smile every time Dean looks his way.

Dean ignores him as long as he can but eventually caves. Maybe if he talks about it he'll be able to stop thinking about it. "Okay, fine. Look, there was...an incident." 

"An incident." The amusement in Sam's voice is unmistakable. 

"Do you wanna hear this or not?" Dean snaps.

Sam throws up his hands. "Sorry, please continue."

Dean nods and tightens his hands on the steering wheel. "Alright. First, I've gotta tell you something." He steals a glance at Sam before turning his attention back to the road. "I've, uh, kinda got a thing for Cas."

There's a beat of silence and then Sam bursts into laughter. "I'm sorry but, is that supposed to be a surprise?"

Dean's cheeks dimple in displeasure as Sam continues to chuckle. "Yeah, yeah, yuck it up. How long have you known?"

Sam gives him a half-hearted shrug. "I dunno. I mean you guys were always tight, but after you went to college it became pretty obvious." He pauses and frowns at Dean. "I, uh, actually thought you guys were together but just keeping it quiet for some reason."

"Nope. Just friends." Dean clenches his jaw. If he's been obvious enough that Sam thought they were _secretly_ _dating_ , then there's no chance Cas doesn't know. He's probably just overlooking it to spare Dean's feelings.

"Wait a minute." Sam narrows his eyes. "You guys shared a hotel room during Hannah's wedding."

"It was cheaper!"

"There was only one bed!"

Dean's cheeks heat at the reminder of one of the longest weekends of his life. "There was a mix-up." Although now Dean wonders if it really had been an accident, or if Hannah had made the same assumptions as Sam. 

"So all this time you've never…" Sam must catch sight of Dean's darkening expression because he switches subjects. "Anyway, tell me about this _incident_."

He spills the story to Sam, keeping his eyes on the road the entire time. It helps him ignore just how ridiculous and embarrassing the whole thing is.

When he finishes Sam stays quiet. Dean chances a quick look away from the road and finds Sam squinting at him.

Dean turns back to the road and hunches his shoulders. "What? Spit it out."

"I just don't understand how someone who's been around the block as much as you —"

"Hey!" Dean snaps, but Sam ignores him.

"—Can be so terrible at flirting when it counts."

Dean grinds his teeth. "It wasn't flirting, Sammy, it was an accident."

Sam nods. "Ok, but let me ask you something. You said you both just froze with his, uh, thumb inside your mouth." 

Dean shoots an annoyed glare at Sam for the laugh he hadn't quite succeeded in hiding behind a cough. "It wasn't _inside_ my mouth. But yeah, we froze, so what?"

"So what if it had been me? Would you have let me —"

"Jesus. No, Sammy. I wouldn't even let your fingers anywhere _near_ my mouth."

"That's what I thought."

Dean can feel the smugness radiating off of Sam. "Fine, we both know that I have," he flutters his right hand around aimlessly, " _feelings_ for Cas, but it's different for him." Dean places his hand back on the steering wheel and flexes it. "Cas doesn't really get stuff like that. He's always had problems with personal space."

"You've said that to me before, Dean, but I don't see it. The only person Cas has a personal space problem with is you." 

Dean doesn't have anything to say to that so instead, he turns up the stereo and spends the rest of the drive letting Zeppelin crowd out his thoughts.

Luckily, Cas is out when they get back, so Dean doesn't have to deal with Sam looking at both of them both with that speculative expression.

They catch up on what's been happening over the last few months. Dean tells Sam about Cas' trouble with his brother, but Sam's too early in his studies to be able to offer much advice other than agreeing that Cas should get a lawyer. There's little else for Dean to share, but a lot has been going on for Sam. He touches on his general classes but spends most his time telling Dean about a sign language class he's taking. When Dean presses, he reveals that it may have to do with a girl. Once Dean gets him talking about Eileen, Sam is full of smiles and stories.

Eileen sounds like a pretty kick-ass woman and Dean finds himself hoping this one sticks around. He even tells Sam to think about inviting her for Christmas.

Dean needs to keep them on a schedule though, and he's about to interrupt when Sam's stomach growls right on cue. Within moments their jackets are back on and they head out for dinner. Sam insists on trying to invite some of their friends to join them for dinner and spends the entire drive to the restaurant texting. When they arrive, Dean has to bite back a grin when Sam complains that nobody is answering.

Dinner isn't as bad as Dean expects. He has to put up with Sam's questions and suggestions about him and Cas, but apparently even a vegetarian place can't screw up mac and cheese too badly. Before he pays he excuses himself to go to the bathroom and texts Cas to let him know they're heading back.

The street and apartment are both quiet when they return. Dean wouldn't believe everyone was in position if he hadn't received a confirmation text from Cas just a few minutes ago. He unlocks the door and then motions for Sam to go ahead of him.

"Didn't we leave the lights on?" The question barely leaves Sam's mouth before the lights flick back on.

"Surprise!"

It's a great turnout. There are more people than Dean expects. Even Jody's present and Dean knows that must be thanks to Cas since he forgot to tell her. It doesn't matter the situation, big or small, he can always trust Cas to have his back.

Dean hangs back a bit as Sam hugs and talks to his friends and family. It's a shame Sam is all the way out in California. Even if they don't have many blood relatives left, they've got a whole lotta family here just the same.

Once he's settled in, Dean takes over bartending from Jo so she can relax and enjoy her night off. Dean misses playing host anyway. With their busy schedules, he and Cas don't have people over as often as they used to. Maybe once he's done with his nursing program and Cas figures out this Lucifer thing they'll have time again. 

After everyone who wants a drink has one (or two), Dean takes a better look around. A few people are already leaving, having only stopped by to say hi, including Bobby and Jody. He waves to them and decides to go thank Cas for remembering to invite her.

He spots Cas sitting on the floor with his back against the side of the couch. Meg is pressed up against his side and their heads are tilted together in conversation. Dean thinks of his and Sam's earlier conversation and scoffs. Obviously, Cas doesn't have a personal space issue with Meg either.

As if feeling Dean's scrutiny, Cas looks up and their eyes meet. Dean realizes it might be the first time they've fully looked each other in the eye since the beignet incident. 

He can tell when Cas comes to the same realization because his cheeks flush and he looks down. 

Meg frowns and glances up to see what Cas was looking at. When she notices Dean she laughs and elbows Cas in the side. Rather than be the butt of whatever joke she's telling, Dean walks away. He'll talk to Cas later.

As the party goes on, the crowd thins out. Dean walks around making small talk but no matter what part of the room he's in, he continues to catch Cas looking at him. Of course, the only reason Dean notices is because he can't keep his eyes off of Cas either. Every time their eyes meet they both quickly look away.

Their behavior is more appropriate for flirty coeds than decade-long best friends, yet neither of them seems capable of stopping. Despite knowing better it spreads a tingle of anticipation across Dean's skin.

It doesn't help that Meg seems to know something is going on between them. She and Cas seem to have been arguing on and off all night and when she springs up after one such argument and stalks off towards Cas' room, Dean gets a bad feeling.

She's back a few minutes later, brandishing what looks like one of Cas' sketchbooks. She sits down in a vacant chair and flips through it. After a few moments, she clears her throat and calls for everyone's attention. "Boys and girls, you will not believe what our dear sweet Clarence left right out in the open for anyone to take."

Cas leans forward and squints at the book in her hands before leaning back and rolling his eyes. "Apparently ‘right out in the open' means the bottom drawer of my dresser."

Meg shrugs unapologetically. "Well it wasn't locked up was it?" She turns back to the journal in her hands and reads the page aloud in a sing-songy voice. _"Dear Diary_ —"

"It does not say that." Cas interjects.

Meg turns unimpressed eyes on him as she starts again. " _Dearest Diary, today I visited the botanical gardens with_ , ugh, boring, boring, boring." Meg flips a few more pages and then lets out a cackle. "Ooh, I spy my name, let's see. Listen up everyone!"

The conversation dies down as everyone looks at Meg in expectation. " _Dearest Diary, today Dean told me he thinks he likes boys the same way he likes girls. I wonder if I do too. I never really thought about it before. When Meg kissed me it felt nice, but mainly just wet_." A few people hoot and laugh at this but Meg raises her voice and continues to read. " _I I wonder if it would be different if I kissed a boy_." 

Some good natured ribbing is thrown Meg's way, and she picks up a coaster from the table and chucks it at Cas. "It was mainly just wet? Screw you, Clarence, I'm an excellent kisser and I was when I was fifteen too!" 

Cas grins at her in return. "I don't know about that, I distinctly remember an alarming amount of saliva."

The laughter continues until Charlie frowns and holds a hand up. "Wait a minute, Dean didn't come out until college." She narrows her eyes at Dean. "I can't believe you came out to Cas before me!" She tosses a pillow at Dean. "We've known each other since we were kids! I was president of the LGBT+ club!"

Dean rubs his hand over his face and smiles. "Aw, don't be mad Charlie. Cas is the only one I told before you. I was gonna tell you in high school, but since I knew I wasn't going to do anything about it while I was still living at home, I decided to wait."

It's a half-truth. While living at home definitely influenced his decision to stay in the closet, the main reason he'd come out to Cas so early in their friendship boiled down to simple teenage hormones. He'd thought Cas was cute even then and had entertained foolish daydreams of Cas telling him that he might like guys too and they should try kissing to find out. He'd always thought it was just a ridiculous teenage fantasy, but the journal entry Meg just read makes him wonder if it hadn't been so farfetched after all.

"Ooh, more juicy high school secrets ahead!" Meg waits until she has everyone's attention once more before continuing. _"I finally realized why I can't stand Lisa. I'm jealous_." Meg makes an exaggerated look of shock. _"And I'm not just jealous of the time they spend together, I'm jealous of what they do. The parts of Dean that she gets that I don't. Dean_ —"

"Okay, that's enough." Cas groans and tries to cut her off.

"I'm almost done! _‘Dean wants me to go to prom, but if I have to watch him making out with Lisa all night I think I'll be sick_.' Aw, poor baby," she winks at him, "should have stuck with me."

Dean feels like he's going to be sick. Of all the possible entries for her to pick, why did she have to pick that one? He stands up, muttering something about refilling their drinks. 

He hears Jo ask, "Didn't the two of you end up going to prom together stag?" but Dean doesn't wait around to hear what Cas says.

He walks into the kitchen and leans against the kitchen sink, closing his eyes and wishing he hadn't drunk so much. He feels like he might throw up at any moment. 

"Dude, why the sad face? I thought learning Cas had a crush on you would be a good thing." Sam comes up behind him, his giant frame blocking out the light and sound from the other room.

"He wrote that a long time ago, Sammy. People change, things change." Dean focuses on watching a water droplet make its way down the side of the sink. 

"Bullshit," Sam snorts. "I've been watching the two of you all night. You should see the looks you give each other. All the soulful gazing, letting your eyes linger on each other's lips. It's like I'm living in a damn soap opera. "

"You're wrong. Just drop it." Dean grips the edge of the sink and closes his eyes against the headache he can feel building. 

"I'm not wrong, Dean. That whole beignet thing proves it. The sexual tension between the two of you is off the charts. You've had a crush on him since high school. What makes you think it isn't the same for Cas?"

"Because we slept together after he wrote that, okay!" Dean spins around to face Sam and lowers his voice. "We slept together after prom and it was a total disaster. He told me he wanted to pretend it never happened. That we were better off as friends. So I know for a fact that he doesn't feel the same way."

Sam finally looks uncertain. "I don't know, Dean. I —" 

"No. We're done talking about this. Listen to me, Sammy. You need to drop this. Cas and I are never gonna be more than friends."

Dean hears a clatter behind him and turns to see Cas crouched just outside the kitchen. A beer bottle lays on its side and Cas is mopping up the small puddle beside it. 

He wonders how much Cas heard. When Cas throws away the bottle while avoiding eye contact Dean's hopes sink.

"Hello Sam, Dean." Despite including Dean in his greeting, his focus is entirely on Sam. He reaches out and hugs him, squeezing the larger man briefly. "It's really good to see you, Sam. It's been too long."

Sam hugs him back, beaming. "It's good to see you too. I've missed you guys. You know, you could always come visit me."

"That's a fair point. And I've always wanted to visit California," Cas says.

Dean searches Cas' face to see if he's serious. A road trip with just the two of them sounds both wonderful and horrible.

"That would be awesome. There's actually someone I want you guys to meet. I mean, if you want." Sam ducks his head.

Dean's already heard about Eileen so he tunes them out. It's during moments like this that he's most conflicted. Cas is such an important part of not only his life, but Sam's as well. He's been there for them through a lot of hard times. It makes Dean want to tell Cas how much he loves him for that but it also makes him terrified of the repercussions if they can't remain friends.

When he focuses back on the conversation he hears Cas giving Sam advice about getting a letter of recommendation from a notoriously difficult professor. His heart swells with pride as he watches the two people he cares about most in the world interact. 

"Alright, thanks, Cas. I'll try that. I'm gonna get back out there before Garth eats everything." Sam waves as he leaves the kitchen.

Tension immediately fills the air, and it turns Dean's stomach to think that he's the cause. He licks his lips and takes a step forward, but before he can say anything Cas takes the lead.

"Dean, can we talk?"

Dean tries to ignore the way his entire body tenses at the words. "Cas, I'm sorry. I'm not sure how much you heard, but, shit." 

Cas clenches his jaw and looks away. "Dean, that's not —"

"Look." Dean cuts him off. " I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Sammy was full of shit. I don't expect anything from you."

Cas turns back to Dean and is clearly confused. "Dean?" Cas takes a step closer, trapping Dean against the sink. "What do you mean?"

Dean's skin prickles with goosebumps. He swallows against the rising panic and tries to think. He could just explain it all right now. That everything Cas overheard is true. That Dean's been head over heels for him since high school. 

But instead he chickens out. "Nothing. I just wanted to thank you for always being there for me." He makes an awkward gesture with his hand, "and Sam too. You're the best friend we've ever had. You're our brother, Cas. I want you to know that."

Instead of looking relieved, like Dean expects, Cas frowns briefly before offering a stiff smile. He takes a step back. "Thank you, Dean."

Dean gives Cas the best smile he can muster and claps him on the shoulder. "No problem. I'm gonna go grab some more booze. See you out there in a few." As he walks off, he wonders if the night can get any more awkward.

When he gets to his room, he digs out his back up stash of liquor. He doubts they'll need it, but he doesn't want to come back empty-handed. He opens the bottle of bourbon and takes a few sips. Once the warmth has taken the edge off his bad mood he heads back to the party.

He sets the bottle down on the table and smiles and waves away the questions about what took so long and studiously avoids looking at Cas. Sam shoots him a concerned look, but Dean ignores it.

"Well, wherever you've been hiding, you're back just in time." Meg purrs as Dean sits in a chair near her. She holds up the same journal as before, and Dean's stomach twists. "This little entry is now from college, freshman year. Our dear Clarence kept writing in his diary even in college. How adorable."

"Today I realized that no matter how much time passes, I —"

"That's enough, Meg." The anger in Cas' voice causes everyone to turn and look at him. He flushes under the attention but keeps his eyes trained on Meg.

Meg narrows her eyes and holds the journal against her chest dramatically. "I don't know. I think there are some people who would find the rest of this entry very interesting." 

Cas leans over and plucks the journal from her hands. "You've had your fun, let's give someone else a chance to be picked on." 

Meg stares at him for a moment, then glances at Dean. Dean immediately averts his eyes. He doesn't know what's going on between Meg and Cas right now, but he doesn't want to be part of it.

"Alright, Clarence. I'm actually ready to get out of here, that cool with you?"

"Sure. Let me get my stuff." Dean tries not to bristle at the clear note of relief in Cas' voice. Why wouldn't Cas want to head out now? He's probably itching to get away from Dean after that catastrophe of a conversation in the kitchen.

Meg and Cas disappear as they head back towards Cas' room and Dean forces himself to focus on the rest of his friends. Charlie's explaining some type of complicated card game to everyone, but only Kevin and Garth look interested. She finally gives up and announces the much simpler rules for a drinking game. 

Dean leans forward and listens as she explains it. It's a twist on a game he and Cas used to play in college and a bolt of frustration fills him at how every fucking thing reminds him of Cas.

He downs the shot as soon as it's passed to him, ignoring the looks Charlie and Sam give him. He refills his glass and settles in to play. This is just what he needs to take his mind off things. 

By the time the bottle is finished, the party is basically over too. Everyone hugs Sam and promises to keep in touch and then the apartment is suddenly quiet. 

Sam yawns and cracks his jaw. "Did Cas ever leave? If not I can sleep on the couch."

"I'm pretty sure he and Meg took off a while ago, but I'll check." Dean stands up and is pleased to note that he's not quite as drunk as he expected. He walks down the hall and approaches Cas' cracked door. He's about to push his way into the room when a soft voice stops him.

"You have to tell him." Meg sounds even more annoyed than usual.

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do." There's a rustle and then Meg's voice is suddenly closer. "If you don't tell Dean, I will."

The door opens and Dean is faced with Cas and Meg, who both look like they've been caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

"Tell me what?" Dean asks. 

Cas and Meg share a look that sends Dean's stomach plummeting. He no longer wants an answer to his question.

"Dean —"

"Whatever, man." Dean flashes a smile but he can tell it comes out crooked. "You can just tell me when you're ready." For what feels like the tenth time that night, Dean walks off without waiting for a response.

He's halfway down the hall when a heavy hand falls on his shoulder and spins him around.

"Dean, stop. Meg's right. I need to talk to you." Cas' hand is jittery where it rests on Dean's shoulder and he's chewing on his bottom lip, heedless of the way his lip ring keeps clacking against his teeth.

The mention of Meg's name sets Dean off. "I don't get it, man. We're supposed to be best friends, why are you and Meg keeping secrets from me?" A bitter possibility occurs to Dean. "What, are you moving in with her instead or something?"

Cas' grip on his shoulder tightens as he groans. "Dean. This has nothing to do with Meg. What the fuck is your problem with Meg anyway? It's not like you —" Cas removes his hand from Dean's shoulder and sighs. "I'm not keeping anything from you. I tried to talk to you earlier in the kitchen."

Dean leans against the wall and tries to make sense of the last few minutes. "Oh, well what is it? What's going on?"

Cas fidgets and moves past him. "It'll take me a minute to explain. Let's go sit down."

Dean follows Cas to the kitchen, stomach churning. He hears Sam and Meg muttering behind them but a moment later a door closes and the noise cuts off. 

Cas grabs two beers out of the refrigerator and sets them on the kitchen table. 

Dean sits down and pulls one to him. He pops the lid off using the table edge while he waits for Cas to talk. 

Cas gets up and spends forever fishing out their actual bottle opener. He doesn't look at Dean when he sits back down. "I spoke to Michael. He offered me a job."

Dean freezes and the silence grows increasingly tense the longer it continues. Finally, Dean forces himself to ask, "Yeah? What for? Does this have to do with that shit with Lucifer?" 

"In a way. If I take the job he'll take care of the money Lucifer is requesting as part of my signing bonus." He looks up at Dean with pleading eyes. 

Dean swallows the stomach acid climbing up his throat. "Why can't he just give you a loan?"

"He says he was going to ask me to take the job anyway. He wants me to take over the accounting department in the London office. Apparently, they've had some difficulties." Cas fiddles with the label on his beer, picking at the corner. "He says they could really use my help." 

London. The hits just keep coming. "Yeah, because all a fortune 500 company needs to stay afloat is a kid with a diploma so fresh the ink hasn't dried." It's harsh and unfair but Dean's too angry to help it. 

Cas balls his hands into fists and looks away before continuing. "They've had some corporate espionage issues and Michael says he'll feel better with someone he can trust heading the department. The contract would be for two years."

Dean exhales but he can't seem to find any words.

Cas finally looks up and meets Dean's eyes. "I wouldn't be doing it just for Michael. He's offering me six figures a year, Dean. Not only would I be able to do a full-time apprenticeship when I was done, I'd also be able to put some money away towards having my own shop someday."

"What —" Dean's heart is racing. He can't help but notice that Cas said "when he was done" and not when he was back. "What did you tell him?"

"I told him I'd think about it." Cas avoids Dean's eyes, instead focusing on the label that he is slowly peeling back.

"What's there to think about? You can't seriously be considering it." Dean doesn't mean to be so blunt, but he's too overwhelmed to think straight. 

Cas takes a deep breath and raises his head. "It's not a terrible idea, Dean. It will take care of the Lucifer situation without me owing Michael anything afterward. And after the two years are up, I'll have enough money saved up to focus on my art, or whatever else I feel like, without worrying."

Dean feels like someone punched him in the chest. "So that's it. You're leaving." 

"Dean, I haven't decided yet. I want to talk to you first."/p>

"Bullshit. Michael's finally calling you to heel, and you're gonna fall right into line for him."

"That's not fair, Dean." Cas' voice is equal parts hurt and anger. "If I go —"

"No, none of this ‘if I go' bullshit. You and I both know it's a done deal. Shoulda fuckin' known you'd leave me too. Why not, everyone else does." Dean knows he's overreacting, but he's incapable of stopping the spew of words from his mouth. "So much for being fuckin' family, huh?"

"Dean, stop it! Not everything is about you!"

Cas' words hang in the air like ghosts. A roaring sound fills Dean's head as he thinks back to how his dad said almost the same thing when Dean complained about him dumping them at Bobby's, and how Sam said something similar when he told Dean he was going to Stanford. But the real salt in the wound is that Cas fucking knows that. 

"I'm sorry. That didn't come out right, Dean. I just meant —"

"Forget it."

"Dean —"

"I said forget it. It's your fucking life, man. Do whatever you want. I'm getting out of here."

Dean doesn't even take time to grab his jacket. He storms out of the apartment, ignoring the shout of confusion from Sam as he slams the door. Dean bites back a curse when he steps out into the cold air, shoving his hands into his pockets and picking up his pace to ward off the chill. He stalks over to Baby, glad his keys were already in his pocket.

Once he's inside with the doors closed he lets his anger out. He curses Cas, Cas' brothers, and the whole damn situation as he slams his fists against the dash. Once he's let out his anger, he apologizes to Baby, promising her he'll make it up to her soon. After a few minutes, the edge of rage fades, leaving him tired and reeling. 

He walks back to the apartment, head tucked down to avoid the cold. He slips into the apartment quietly, looking around for signs that Cas is either still present or gone. He peeks into his room looking for Sam, but it's empty. He looks across the hall at Cas' room but doesn't move towards it.

He doesn't need to because a moment later Sam walks out of Cas' room. He looks relieved when he sees Dean.

"Hey Sammy, Cas take off?" Dean walks into his room, correctly predicting that Sam will follow.

"Uh, yeah. He and Meg pretty much left right after you did. Dude, what happened?"

"He's moving." Dean throws a hoodie on to ward off the chill. "To London." He sits on the bed and pulls out his laptop so he can click around aimlessly.

"What? Why's he doing that? Did you tell him how you feel?"

Dean clenches his jaw at the insinuation. "Nope. It has nothing to do with me." Cas had made that perfectly clear. "Michael's pulling some sob story about needing Cas to help save the company and Cas is playing right into his hands. He says it's just for two years but you know that's bullshit." 

"Two years isn't that long. That's less time than I have left at Stanford." Sam points out.

Two years is a really fucking long time when the two most important people in his life are both going to be completely out of reach. 

Sam hesitates for a moment before sitting on the bed next to Dean. "Even if he does go, he'll come back, Dean. The two of you are inseparable."

Dean wishes he still believed that.


	6. Chapter 6

Cas stays scarce over the weekend. Dean can tell that Sam is disappointed at not getting to see him, but Dean's glad for the space. 

He and Sam hang out and divide their time between visiting Bobby and playing video games for most of the weekend. Dean bans all talk of Cas and Sam reluctantly complies. He gets one text from Cas asking if it's okay to come home on Monday, but Dean can't bring himself to respond. When another text comes through though, he finally gives in and replies, _Yeah. I don't care. It's your place too_ and then can't resist adding, _for now._

Cas doesn't reply after that.

Dean does his best to put Cas out of his mind for the rest of the weekend. Instead, he focuses on learning all he can about Sam's life at Stanford. He finds himself wishing he and Cas really could take that road trip out to visit Sam. It would be nice to see the ocean. With Cas probably moving though, it's doubtful it'll ever happen.

Before long, it's Monday afternoon and Dean is driving Sam back to the airport. He's dreading saying goodbye, both because he misses his little brother and because he doesn't want to confront Cas yet. 

His weekend with Sam had been like a tiny trip back in time to when it was just the two of them against the world. But thinking about that time in their lives inevitably leads to thoughts of just how much things improved once they met Cas. How much it helped to have Cas come over and keep Dean company while he made dinner. Or how much of a relief it was to be able to escape with Sammy and hang out with Cas when their dad came home drunk. Cas has been a part of their lives for such a long time that it's almost unthinkable to imagine that might change.

The airport looms ahead, and Dean's saved from any further introspection. He pulls to a stop along the curb and hops out to grab Sam's bag from the back. When he sets it down, he pulls Sam into a tight hug. Despite the disaster with Cas it was damn good to see his brother. 

"Hey Dean, I know it's none of my business. But, uh, you should tell him how you feel," Sam says when he leans back from the hug.

"You're right. It's none of your business. And I told you, I don't wanna talk about it."

"I know, but just listen. If he's really moving to London, then what is there to lose? I mean, with the way you're thinking, this could be your last chance to tell him, right? And I mean, he deserves to know." Sam turns the puppy eyes up to maximum. "Just think about it, okay?" 

Sam has a point, but he also has a flight to catch. Dean picks up Sam's bag and shoves it into his brother's arms. "I'll think about it. Now get out of here, before you miss your flight. If I have to see that long hair another day I'm cutting it off."

Sam rolls his eyes, grabs him for a final hug, and then takes off towards the airport doors. He calls one last dig over his shoulder. "I'm gonna keep bugging you about it! So you might as well talk to him now!"

Dean flips Sam off with a grin and hurries back to the Impala when he sees an angry looking security guard approaching. He burns rubber and peels out before they can bitch at him for blocking the loading zone.

Dean thinks about what Sam said on the way home. The anger and hurt he feels right now have done nothing to lessen his feelings for Cas. He's pretty sure there's nothing that could at this point. 

And Sam's right. If Cas really is set on moving, then why not tell him? He'll be able to finally stop stressing about it after all these years. And while he's sure that Cas will let him down gently, it still might make it easier on both of them if they have some distance. It's not ideal; Dean would prefer to just go back to the way things were, but if Cas is going to leave one way or another, at least Dean can put to rest all the "what ifs" before saying goodbye.

He doesn't need to have that conversation immediately, though. He has no idea when Cas is moving, _because you haven't asked him_ , his mind chimes in, and it would suck to tell him now and then have it be awkward for the next few months. He'll talk to Cas later this week and find out more, and figure out the rest later.

Hopefully, much later.

When he gets back to the apartment, it's empty and still. Dean can't help the rush of relief that fills him when he realizes Cas isn't home yet. He feels a little guilty about how things went down on Friday night, so he cleans up the apartment as an unspoken apology while he waits for Cas to get home. 

Cas doesn't get in until Dean is already in bed, half-asleep. As Dean listens to the quiet thumps of Cas moving around the living room he's tempted to get up. He's held back though by the thought that there may be a reason Cas chose to come home so late. If Cas wants a little space it won't hurt Dean to give it to him.

 

The next morning, Cas is waiting for him in the kitchen with a fresh cup of coffee. Dean mumbles a, "thanks," that turns into an appreciative moan as he takes a sip. There's nothing better than coffee that someone else made. He starts a pan warming and then sits down across from Cas and lets the fragrant steam from his cup wake him up. 

"I'm sorry about Friday," Cas says in a rush. "I hope I didn't ruin Sam's visit."

The calm Dean was feeling instantly evaporates. It's way too early for Dean to be having this conversation. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes. "Yeah, uh, I'm sorry too. And don't worry about Sammy, he's fine. He missed you but you can make it up to him next time he visi —."

He cuts himself off but it's too late, he's already shone a spotlight on the elephant in the room. As the silence stretches out, taut as a guitar string, Dean hopes that they'll both have the sense to just ignore his blunder and move on.

He's never been that lucky though.

"Dean, I meant to tell you about Michael's offer immediately, but Sam was flying in and —"

Dean stands up, unable to do this right now. "Hey, I, uh, forgot I was supposed to meet Charlie for breakfast. We'll talk later, okay? Thanks for the coffee."

He turns the burner off on the stove and gives Cas an awkward wave before grabbing his keys and slipping out the door. He's halfway down the hall when the door opens.

"Dean?"

He's tempted to keep walking, but the elevator's still two floors away. "Yeah, what's up Cas?"

"You're still wearing your pajamas."

Dean looks down and wonders if he can restart his morning somehow. Sure enough, he's wearing plaid pajama pants and to top it off his t-shirt is inside out. "Uh, it's a pajama party breakfast?"

Cas sighs, somehow managing to look both annoyed and fond at the same time. "Just come back inside, Dean. We don't have to talk right now. I'll help you make breakfast."

Dean follows him back into the apartment hesitantly, but Cas stays true to his word, keeping the conversation light while Dean makes them omelets. Cas' version of helping is making toast, but that's probably for the best.

When they finish eating, the tension threatens to return, but Cas' phone rings and gives Dean an escape. He gets ready for work in record time and slips out the door while Cas is still arguing with someone. As he hurries to his car he tells himself that he isn't running away, because running away would make him a coward and he's not a coward.

Dean is definitely a coward. 

When he gets home that night, he creeps quietly to his room, careful to avoid every squeaky spot on the floor. Despite his resolve to talk to Cas, he just can't bring himself to do it. If he asks about London it will be real.

So instead, Dean goes back to his previous methods of avoidance. He picks up extra shifts at the hospital. He spends his evenings at Benny's or Charlie's and even volunteers to petsit Garth's ferret. When he inevitably finds himself at home with Cas, he retreats to his room, using his headphones as an excuse to ignore Cas' knocks.

Their weekly movie night comes around and Dean ignores Cas' multiple texts asking what he wants to order for dinner. Cas tries calling and Dean immediately rejects the call, cursing himself for it afterward since now Cas knows he saw the call, rather than just missing it. Sure enough, Cas bangs on his bedroom door shortly after.

"Dean! Open up, this is ridiculous. We need to talk." Cas' voice is loud but calm. Dean can hear the thread of anger lurking beneath it though.

He toys with the idea of just staying silent, but he's already acting childish enough. "I'm not ready to talk about it, Cas!"

The door is too thick to hear if Cas sighs, but Dean is willing to bet money he does. "Fine. If you're not ready to talk, I won't make you. But I do need you to listen. I spoke to — "

"Nope!" Dean cuts him off. "I'm putting headphones on now!" And he does, blasting Metallica loud enough to drown out whatever Cas is saying.

He knows all he's doing is postponing the inevitable. But the thing is, he and Cas have never been very good at talking. Every time they've had one of their rare but massive blowouts, they've just spent some time apart, and then ignored it and moved on. A small part of Dean is hoping that if he avoids Cas for just a few more days, Cas will forget about this ridiculous idea of moving and they can just forgive and forget like usual.

When Dean gets home from his classes on Friday though, he finds a note on the fridge, printed in all caps:

_DEAN — WE HAVE TO TALK. TONIGHT. NO EXCUSES. I'LL BE HOME AT 7 WITH BURGERS AND BEER. AND PIE._

Dean chews on his lip as he reads the note again. He pushes down the guilt rising in his chest and checks the time. Cas won't be home for another two hours.

Dean feels like a total shit, but he decides to pretend he didn't see the note. He waits until he knows that Cas is likely to be busy at work and sends a quick text off to him, not wanting to get into it in person. _Bobby got a new part in for Baby. I'm gonna stay at his place to work on her this weekend_

He wrestles with himself for a moment, trying to decide if he should say anything more. He finally decides to be an adult and sends one more text. _Sorry I've been a dick. We can talk Monday if you still wanna_

Satisfied that he's done the minimal maintenance necessary to keep Cas from getting too pissed off, he packs his duffel bag and takes off. 

He's about twenty minutes from Bobby's when his phone starts blowing up. He glances at the screen and sure enough, it's Cas. He sighs and tries to ignore the constant buzzing, turning up the stereo. By the time he arrives his voicemail and his inbox are both full. He takes a peek at the screen, but the last text from Cas just reads, _You're an asshole_ , and well, there's not much Dean can say to that right now. He shoves the phone in his pocket to deal with later.

Bobby greets him gruffly, muttering about how Dean could have at least called first. When Dean enters the house he sees why. 

"Hey there, Dean." Jody is sitting at Bobby's dining room table, which isn't an altogether unusual thing. What's different is that instead of her uniform, she's wearing a teal dress and the table is littered with plates from what looks like a much fancier spread than Dean is used to seeing at Bobby's. 

Dean takes another look at Bobby and notices that instead of his usual trucker cap and flannel combo, Bobby's hair is slicked back and he's actually wearing a button up dress shirt. 

"Hey, Jody. Shit guys, I didn't mean to interrupt." 

Bobby grumbles something again about phones being invented just for that reason and starts clearing off the table. Jody stands up to help but he waves her down.

After Bobby disappears into the kitchen, Dean sits down and grins at Jody. "Well don't you look nice."

"Oh shush. You think all Bobby does is sit around waiting for you or Sam to bug him? We've actually had a friendly dinner date going on Friday nights for quite a while now." Her emphasis on the word friendly is hard to miss.

"Sure, I always get dressed up for friendly dates." 

"Don't you? I've seen you primp before meeting Cas." 

That shuts Dean right up since that's exactly the subject he is trying to avoid thinking about. His reaction must be noticeable because Jody's face instantly fills with concern.

"Something going on with you two?"

Dean frowns at the table. "Something like that. Cas has a new job offer. In London."

She whistles. "That's a big decision for him. When does he need to decide?" 

Dean ducks his head, "I'm not sure. We haven't really talked about it."

"Well you might wanna. He could probably use your support." She looks at Dean pointedly. "And I've gotta say, if my best friend was leaving? Well, I'd wanna spend every minute we could together."

Dean's throat closes up as he considers her words. He feels like an even bigger ass. She's right, he's been a shitty friend. He can't believe he let his hurt feelings get in the way of the big picture here. Why the fuck is he still avoiding Cas? Dean groans and rests his head in his hands.

Bobby walks back in at that point and looks at Dean with a sigh. "Look son, you know I ain't much for slumber parties, but even I can't miss the way you've been moping and spending every free moment away from home." He pauses and looks as though he's sucking on a lemon. "You want to talk about it?"

Dean feels a swell of love for this man who's more a father to him than his own dad ever was. If there's anyone who hates talking about feelings more than Cas and Dean it's gotta be Bobby, but when it comes down to it, he's always available. 

"Nah, I'm okay. You're right, I've got some stuff on my mind, but I talked to Jody a bit and I'm working on it."

The relief on Bobby's face is almost comical. "Well, good." He nods at the duffel bag Dean set on the floor. "You spending the weekend?"

Dean looks at Jody again and smiles. "I was going to, but I think I'll just stay the night and head back tomorrow. I've, uh, got some stuff to talk over with Cas."

"‘Bout time you got yer head outta yer ass." Bobby says. 

Dean flushes as he wonders if there's a person alive who doesn't know about his feelings for Cas. "Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna go watch some TV while you two finish up your _friendly_ date." He stands up and pecks Jody on the cheek. "Thanks for the talk, Jody. You were right. As usual."

"As long as you recognize it."

Dean grabs a beer from the kitchen and wanders over to the living room. He pulls his phone out to text Cas, but it's dead. He puts it away for later and finds a channel marathoning all of the Indiana Jones movies. He's lucky and manages to catch _Raiders of the Lost Ark_ right before Indiana gets into a fistfight with a Nazi. Bobby comes in a little later and watches the rest of it with him before saying goodnight. 

Dean passes the next few hours that way, sipping beer and watching as Indiana makes his way out of ridiculous situations. He's seen the movies so many times that it's almost like he's seeing it play out in his head a split second before it unfolds on the TV. He finally gives in to the drowsiness that has slowly grown over him when _The Last Crusade_ ends. 

He stumbles upstairs to his old bedroom, surprised at just how tired he is. The emotional strain of the last week seems to have melded with the physical strain of a long day and it leaves Dean feeling more exhausted than he has in a while. He shucks his jeans when he gets to the bed. A clunk as his phone hits the floor reminds him of his missed messages. 

He plugs his phone in to charge and tries not to feel too guilty about not getting back to Cas earlier, assuring himself that it's late enough that Cas is definitely asleep. He turns off the light and sinks into his pillow, letting thoughts of Cas in an Indiana Jones costume lull him to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

The sun is already high in the sky when Dean wakes up. He squints at the alarm clock on the nightstand and is shocked to see that it's almost noon. He stretches as he gets out of bed and walks to the door. When he pokes his head out the house is silent. Bobby must be out in the yard already. 

By the time Dean showers and changes, his stomach is growling non-stop. He grabs his phone and then heads down to the kitchen. A note from Bobby confirms that he's working on a car. Dean hums to himself as he puts together a quick sandwich, feeling better than he has all week. He isn't sure if it's due to the massive amount of sleep he got or the fact that he's finally going to talk about things with Cas. 

Determined to not put it off any longer, he stuffs the rest of the sandwich in his mouth and then dashes upstairs. He quickly repacks his stuff and slings the bag over his shoulder, taking the stairs two at a time as he heads down. He pulls his phone out after he throws his bag in the back of Baby, but it's still dead. 

He frowns and digs his charger back out of his bag, cursing when he sees gnaw marks on it and exposed wiring. He sighs and takes off through the salvage yard, looking for Bobby. He finds him deep in the bowels of a beautiful old Chevelle. "Hey old man, did you know you have rats?" 

Bobby snorts and pulls back from the car. "Good morning to you too. And yeah, I keep meaning to get me one of them barn cats that can take care of themselves, but Jody wants to help pick it out."

Dean swallows the teasing he wants to do, knowing he doesn't have a leg to stand on. "Yeah well, you might wanna warn a person that they might have company next time." He steps up next to Bobby, pulling on a spare pair of gloves resting on the seat. "Hey, let me give you a hand before I go." 

They work quietly together, and it reminds Dean of so many of the summers of his youth. When they finish the repair job, he turns to Bobby and clears his throat. "You know, I don't know if I've ever thanked you for being there for me and Sammy. And hell, even for Cas. So uh, thank you."

"Cripes, couldn't you have saved the sharing and caring for while Jody was here?" Despite his words, the embarrassed appreciation that crosses his face is unmistakable. "Now don't you have someone else to go share _feelings_ with?"

It's Dean's turn to blush as he pulls off the gloves. "Yeah, I guess so. Thanks for letting me crash here. I'll talk to you soon." Dean waves and then makes his way over to Baby. 

A feeling of unease fills him on the drive home. His eyes dart to the dead phone over and over again and for the first time ever he contemplates the idea of upgrading his dash so he could use a car charger. He shudders and immediately banishes the thought from his mind. He can always just get an external power bank for the phone instead.

The apartment is silent when he arrives, and oddly empty. It looks off somehow and his anxiety grows. Dean looks around trying to figure out what exactly is bothering him. His stomach sinks as he realizes that a number of Cas' items are missing. His dress shoes are missing from their customary place by the door, and the stack of books that Cas always leaves out — because he can never read just one at a time — are no longer on the coffee table. He opens the coat closet and sees that Cas' beloved trench coat is gone too. He swallows the fear crawling up his throat and reminds himself that Cas could be wearing the coat now, and maybe he just moved all of his stuff into his room.

He has a sinking suspicion though. He knocks on Cas' door and enters, not bothering to wait for a response. It takes him a minute to figure out if anything is missing because Cas doesn't have a lot of stuff. His bookshelves are full, although Dean still doesn't see the stack of books missing from the living room. Most of the room looks normal, but when Dean opens Cas' closet, it is almost completely bare. Cas has never owned much clothing. He prefers to just wash and rotate the few outfits he likes and it looks like almost every one of those outfits are missing. The only things left are some t-shirts and torn jeans. Even his suit is missing. Dean sits down on Cas' bed and stares at the room unseeingly.

He snaps out of it a moment later and goes to Cas' drawer, where he knows an extra charger should be. Luckily, it's still there so he plugs his phone in, trying to remain calm. The minute it has enough juice to turn back on he calls his voicemail. The first message is just Cas telling him to answer the phone, the second is much the same with the addition of a plea to stop being a child. Dean grimaces and deletes those, moving to the next message. 

"Damn it, Dean, I didn't want to do this over the phone. I've been trying to talk to you for days."

A bolt of regret pierces Dean and he's reminded of what Jody said. 

"Michael sent me a ticket to London. The flight leaves tomorrow, but I really want to talk to you first."

The anguish in Cas' voice is almost enough to distract Dean from the dread overtaking him.

"I tried to put it off, but Michael insisted it had to be now. Naomi is visiting him and he wants me to—"

Whatever Cas is about to say is lost as Dean loses his temper and chucks the phone across the room. 

It's bad enough that Michael is forcing his timetable on Cas, but Naomi is a whole other matter. Michael had sent Cas to stay with Naomi the summer before their freshman year of college. Michael had been convinced that Cas' new punk hair and interest in tattooing was somehow Dean's fault and that a summer with his Aunt would set him straight.

Cas had come back a shell of his former self. He'd never spoken to Dean about what happened that summer, but Dean had his suspicions. The idea that Michael would purposefully put Cas with her again was infuriating.

Dean takes a deep breath and goes to find his phone. He searches the top of Cas' messy desk, frowning as it doesn't turn up. He looks more carefully and his heart sinks. He peers closer and sure enough, his phone is resting with Cas' paintbrushes in a jar of turpentine. 

Dean carries the jar to the bathroom with a curse, dumping it in the sink. He rinses the phone off, figuring at this point it hardly matters. Setting it on the back of the toilet to dry, he grabs his laptop to look up his warranty status.

Luckily, he'd thought to purchase full insurance this time after a similar disaster with his last phone. He'll only be out fifty dollars to replace it and they'll send him a new phone overnight. 

Tomorrow feels a long ways away though since he has no idea what's going on with Cas. He can't imagine that Michael sent a one-way ticket. He knows Cas has responsibilities here and Cas isn't the type to just walk away from a job with no warning. Dean relaxes a bit as he realizes that Kali must know when Cas is coming back. He grabs his keys and takes off to see what she can tell him.

Kali is pissed to see him. Cas has apparently been miserable all week and she blames it on Dean. He can't really say much to defend himself, but after some groveling, she finally agrees to tell him what she knows. She's not sure when he flew out and she isn't sure exactly when he's getting back, but she says Cas told her he wasn't quitting, just taking a little time off.

It tells him almost nothing and Dean's tempted to ask her if she can call Gabriel and ask if he knows more, but he doesn't want to push his luck. Kali is scary.

He heads back home and tries to keep himself busy since there's little that he can do. He has no idea when Cas' flight left so he has no idea if he's still in transit right now or if he's already in London. Since he can't reach Cas he figures it hardly matters. He rushes to his laptop when he remembers seeing an email notification on his phone a few days ago. He opens his email and scrolls down until he finds one sent by Cas three days ago. 

His stomach is tied in knots as he clicks the email.

_Dean-_

_I've been trying to talk to you the last few days but you seem determined to avoid me. Michael sent me a ticket to London for this weekend. I know it's sudden but Naomi is in town and he wants me to meet with her. Apparently, she now heads the European division so I'd be working under her guidance._

Dean isn't surprised at the speed of the ticket. Michael and Naomi would have wanted to strike the moment Cas wavered. They've been waiting for a moment like this for years. 

He scrolls down to read the rest of the email. 

_I'm obviously not excited about that prospect, Naomi is the last person I want to work with, but I think I still need to consider it. I'm not sure what to do, Dean. I really want to speak with you before this weekend. Michael is probably going to want an answer that I'm not ready to give. Despite what you may think right now you are the most important person in my life and I want to know what you think._

_Can we stop this and talk please?_

_Cas_

Dean feels like he's going to throw up. Cas had asked him what his opinion was on moving to London and Dean hadn't even bothered to read the email. Instead, he'd continued to avoid Cas. 

He wonders if Cas has already talked to Michael. He wonders what he would've told him. 

He reads the email once more and takes a calming breath. It's not the end of the world. The fact that Cas didn't mention a return date does nothing to ease the knot in his chest, but Cas is obviously still undecided. Or at least he was when he wrote the email. Three days ago. After which Dean continued to ignore his every attempt to talk.

He scrubs his hands over his face as he struggles to come up with a reply. He's bad enough talking about important stuff in person, the last thing he wants to do is get into things over email. So instead he keeps it brief.

_Cas,_

_I just read your email. I missed it before, I'm sorry. You're right. You're my best friend and I screwed up. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you but I want to be here now. I broke my phone, but the replacement should be here tomorrow afternoon and I'll check my email until then if you wanna get in touch._

_Dean_

After he sends the email he stays where he is, staring at the laptop. There's so much more he wants to say. What if Cas is too mad at him to call or email? Dean opens up a blank message.

_Don't do it. Don't tell Michael yes. I don't want you to go._

He sends it off before he can second guess himself. 


	8. Chapter 8

He tries to keep himself occupied but it's hard. The entire apartment is flush with memories that the two of them made together. When he organizes his mother's old cookbooks, he remembers Cas covered in cherry filling from his disastrous attempt at making Dean a pie for his 21st birthday. When he does his laundry he finds a pair of Cas' bee socks in the load. Even everything in his Netflix queue seems to have some tie to Cas. 

He checks his email constantly even though he knows it's too early for a response. The ache he feels at Cas' absence only grows as the day goes on. The apartment feels hollow and sterile and he can't even begin to imagine a life without Cas in it. When he can't bear it any longer, he gives up and heads to the Roadhouse. 

He casts a brief wave as he notices Ash sitting with Benny and Garth, but he bypasses their table and instead sits down at the bar. Mandy catches his eye, but he waves her away. He'd much rather wait for Jo. After a few minutes, Jo heads over and sets a beer in front of him. 

"Where's your totally platonic life partner?" she asks. 

"Somewhere over the Atlantic I think," Dean says, glaring at his beer. 

He tells a condensed version of the story to Jo in chunks as she stops by in between customers. He nurses the same beer throughout, wanting to remain clear-headed. 

"So what, you gonna pick him up from the airport and have your rom-com moment?" 

Dean clears his throat and stares at his empty glass. "I'm, uh, actually thinking about having my big moment in London." It's a spur of the moment idea, but as soon as the words leave Dean's mouth he knows he's going to do it. He keeps his eyes trained down, hoping to hide the blush covering his face, but the complete silence finally has him raising his head.

Jo is standing with her mouth open staring at him. She finally closes it and shakes her head. "Always knew you were a drama queen." She wipes a rag down the bar then stops. "Wait, wasn't this a plot in Friends?"

"That was different, I'm trying to stop him from taking a job. Rachel was trying to stop Ross from getting married." Dean points out without thinking about it. 

Jo smirks at him. "My mistake." 

Before Jo can say anything else, Ellen interrupts them. Dean's forced to retell the story again, and Ellen's expression when he finishes is just as surprised as Jo's. "You're really thinking about flying after him?" She catches Dean's eye and smiles. "I've been rooting for you two boys for years, no doubt about it, but couldn't this wait until he gets back?"

Dean shrugs and traces a scratch on the bar. "You don't know his family. I wanna be there for him. If he hasn't made a decision yet I wanna talk it through with him." A not-so-little part of Dean is also hoping that a big romantic gesture might appeal to Cas and help influence his decision. 

Jo gives him a thumbs up. "Well good luck. I hope you talk him out of it. Things wouldn't be the same without his frowning face. In fact," Jo digs into her apron and pulls out a fistful of bills. "I will donate my tips from tonight to the cost of your flight."

Ellen smacks Jo on the back. "That's an excellent idea, Joanna Beth. I'll also contribute to the cause."

Ash comes over a moment later to see what's going on and is soon followed by Benny and Garth. By the end of the night, half the bar has heard the story and half of those people have donated to Dean's flight fund. Even Mandy offered half of her tips and wished Dean good luck with everything. Dean feels like a jerk for being such a dick to her. 

He's about to close out his tab when someone slips onto the stool next to him. He turns with a smile, but it fades when he sees Meg. 

She spins around on the stool with a smirk. "Tell me it's true. Tell me you're really heading to London with your tail between your legs to beg Cas' forgiveness."

Dean's fingers tighten around his empty glass as he struggles to remain calm. "Yeah I fucked up and I'm gonna try to fix it. Don't bother trying to talk me out of it."

She grins, pushing a small wad of cash towards him. "Wouldn't think of it, I just stopped by to offer my contribution."

Dean looks at the money with narrowed eyes. "You do realize I'm going there to..." he trails off, not sure how much he wants to share with her.

"To confess how much you love him from the bottom of your big dumb heart? Yeah, I figured." 

"Then why would you want to," he licks his lips and shrugs, "you know, help the competition?"

"Seriously?" When Dean continues to stare at her without taking the money she rolls her eyes. "Jesus. You know Cas is always telling me how brilliant you are, but I don't see it." She shoves the money closer to Dean and stands up. "Look, let's just say I have a personal interest in the matter, but you do you, Deano. If you really don't want my money it's no skin off my back."

With that she gets up from the bar, walking away without a backward glance. He stares after her but shoves the money into his pocket with the rest. He may not understand Meg's motives, but he'll take all the help he can get.

He pays his tab and says his goodbyes, promising to update everyone once he's back from London. As soon as he gets home he checks his email again, but there's still nothing from Cas. He tries not to read too much into that. He looks up ticket prices and then pulls up his bank account and winces. It's a good thing his friends decided to chip in because he'll have to drain his savings and checking accounts to afford a last minute ticket. 

He squares his shoulders and purchases a ticket departing the next afternoon. This way his phone has time to arrive but hopefully he'll still arrive before Cas gives Michael an answer. He's filled with a mix of anxiety and excitement. He hates flying, but the idea of chasing after Cas and finally telling him exactly how he feels appeals to the romantic in Dean. 

He falls asleep to increasingly elaborate daydreams of what will happen when Cas sees him. 

The next day is a surreal rush. He calls in every favor he has to get his shifts covered for the next four days. If he's not back by then he'll have to figure something out. He checks his email and the tracking number for his phone at least ten times but neither has any news for him. 

He sends an email off to Sam and Bobby, and for the first time he's a little grateful that he's without a phone. This way he doesn't have to listen to Sam's heartfelt support or Bobby's exasperation. 

He never unpacked his bag from before so instead he just adds another change of clothes and a book for the flight. His stomach twists as he tries not to think about the fact that he is going to be hurtling across the ocean later that night. 

As the day wears on and his phone remains in transit, he grows increasingly worried. It's too late to change his ticket but he also doesn't want to be stuck in another country without a phone. 

Dean was planning on taking a valium and then calling for an Uber to take him to the airport. But since he's still without a phone, calling Uber isn't an option. He'll just have to drive himself to the airport and pick up some type of burner phone in London. 

He checks his email one more time and freezes when he sees a reply from Cas at the top. He can't bring himself to click it at first. Right now it's like Schrodinger's cat. It could be either good news or bad. Once he reads it, he'll know and he won't be able to go back. He wipes his damp palms on his jeans and opens it.

_Dean-_

_I'm sorry about your phone. We have a lot to talk about, but perhaps it's best to wait and do it in person. I'll be back on Wednesday._

_Cas_

Dean stares at the email in disbelief. Cas has always been the master of being vague, but he was really hoping for more here. This is why he hates trying to do this shit via email. He has no idea how Cas is feeling. Do they have good stuff to talk about or bad? The fact that he wants to do it in person makes Dean worry that it's bad. Well, Cas will get to talk to him in person, just sooner than he expects.

He glances at the time and curses. He needs to leave for the airport now. He'd like to take some time to craft his response, but he can't. 

_Cas-_

_I wanna talk in person too. In fact, I'll actually be there tomorrow. Surprise! Sorry for the lack of warning it was a last minute decision. Whatever you wanna talk about, I promise I'll listen this time. No more running away._

_Im sorry_

_Dean_

He throws his laptop in his bag and dashes down the stairs. He's halfway to Baby when he sees the UPS man pull up. He jogs over to meet him and to Dean's great relief, the phone is in his hands. He signs for the package and darts back to the car. 

He tears open the box and shoves the phone and charger in his bag. He'll have to deal with it after he gets there. 

He's a nervous wreck the entire way to the airport. He's dreading the flight and is also unhappy about leaving Baby in the airport lot. If there's even a scratch on her he's gonna have words for someone.

Dean's forehead and palms are damp with sweat by the time he's sitting in his window seat. He grips the armrests and tries to slow his breathing. 

"You grip those any harder, we're gonna have nowhere to place our hands. And it's a long trip."

Dean opens his eyes and sees a friendly looking black woman settling into the seat beside him.

"Sorry." He croaks.

She stows a small bag in the overhead compartment and then holds her hand out. "I'm Missouri. I always like to meet my seatmates. We're gonna be sitting together for a while after all."

Dean really didn't need that reminder. He swallows and forces his hand off the armrest so he can shake her hand. "Pleased to meet you, ma'am. I'm Dean." He knows his palm is clammy, but luckily she doesn't say anything.

Dean spends the rest of the flight talking with Missouri. He's too anxious to participate much, but she doesn't seem to mind. Missouri's voice is warm and soothing. He slowly calms as he hears all about her granddaughter, Patience. To his great surprise, he eventually relaxes enough to drift off for a few hours. 

He's embarrassed to wake up and find himself sleeping on her soft shoulder. He mutters apologies but she's very gracious about the whole thing.

As the flight drags on, he finally feels calm enough to contribute to the conversation and he loses track of time while he's bragging about Sammy.

When the pilot announces that they are approaching London though, his thoughts immediately turn to Cas. He realizes just how poorly this could go. Dean's been a moody jerk these past few weeks. What if Cas doesn't want to see him at all?

"Don't worry about that, son. He's going to be pleased as punch to see you." She wags her finger at him. "Just make sure you tell him the truth about how you feel."

Dean stares at her dumbfounded. "How did you...?"

"Don't worry about that either." She pauses and sends him an apologetic smile. "I'd worry more about changing that shirt before you see him."

Dean looks down at himself and grimaces. She's right. His t-shirt is damp with all the nervous sweating he's done. "Good idea."

When they exit the plane, Missouri hugs him despite the sorry state he's in. They exchange emails and Dean promises to let her know how his trip goes.

He has the strangest idea that she already knows somehow.

He stops in the bathroom on his way out and swaps his smelly t-shirt for a fresh one from his bag. It'll have to do until he showers later on.

When he exits the airport, a row of taxis are waiting. Dean grabs one and hands him a crumpled piece of paper with the address he'd begged off Gabriel earlier. He tries to enjoy the view as the driver speeds down the streets, but he has too much on his mind. 

Once he arrives, Dean stands outside the building at a loss. He feels awkward enough showing up in London unannounced like this. He draws the line at showing up to Cas' potential office uninvited too. Luckily there is a small park across the street. Dean settles in on the bench with his book and prepares to wait. 

Just as the sky begins to darken, the door opens across the street and Dean's breath catches as Cas walks out. He's barely recognizable. His hair is slicked back and none of his piercings are in. Instead of the faded band shirts and torn jeans he normally lives in, he's wearing an unfamiliar dark suit. It fits Cas perfectly and probably cost more than either of them make in a week. Dean figures it's a gift from Michael. 

Cas looks undeniably handsome as he steps out of the shadows of his brother's building. With his (temporarily) clean-cut look and strong build, any young executive would consider him a catch. He looks nothing like his usual self though and Dean worries that he's too late, that his family already has their claws in him again.

But then Cas stops in the drizzling rain to muss up his hair and he pulls his wrinkled old trench coat on. He squints up at the traffic signal light in a very familiar way and something in Dean's chest eases.

Because Dean really sees him. They've lived together for so long that Dean's taken everything about Cas for granted. The days apart and the threat of separation changed that though, and it makes him look at Cas in fresh wonder. And it's not just about his appearance, although he's definitely gorgeous. It's how everything combines. It's the history of their friendship that's written on the very surface of Cas' skin in scars and ink. It's the way when he tugs at his ear, that Dean knows he's wishing he had his plugs in to play with. It's how even when Dean admires the way firm muscles flex beneath Cas' suit, he can still picture Cas as a chubby kid of fourteen and a skinny college freshman. Dean sees so many pieces of his past in Cas. He only hopes that he can find his future there too. 

Dean takes a deep breath to steady himself and crosses the street. He keeps his eyes on Cas as he walks closer, but Cas still hasn't noticed him. 

Cas goes down on one knee suddenly, wiping a smudge off his shoe and Dean's eyes are drawn to the way his thick thighs strain the material of his slacks. He's only a few feet away now and takes advantage of the closeness to continue drinking in Cas' features. This near he can appreciate the sharp line of Cas' jaw, and the beautiful profile his features make. His hands are clean for once, free of any traces of his art, but they still do not look like the hands of an accountant. They are too strong, too beautiful, and too sensual for such work. 

Cas finally looks up and freezes as he catches sight of Dean. His mouth falls open and his breath makes small clouds in the chill air.

Dean knows he should say something, but he's caught by Cas' eyes. Looking at them every day for countless years has made Dean forget just how arresting they are at first glance. The word blue doesn't do them justice. Right now they are the color of worn-in denim, and just as comforting to see after the long day Dean's had. Dean moves a step closer and manages a wobbly smile.

"What are you doing here?" Cas' expression is guarded as he stands back up. 

Dean clears his throat. "I, uh, guess you didn't get my last email?"

Cas shakes his head. "No, I've been in meetings all day."

Dean licks his lips and tries to smile. "Well, surprise!" He shifts his weight as Cas continues to stare at him in shock. 

"Dean, why are you — oh god, you flew here?"

Dean looks away at the incredulity in Cas' voice. "Yeah, and it was just as bad as I remembered. You're lucky I —" Dean cuts himself off. Even though this is the whole reason he came here, he still can't just blurt it out like that. 

"Dean?" Cas takes a step towards him but stops and frowns. "You're freezing. Do you have a room yet?"

It isn't until Cas mentions it that Dean realizes that he's shivering. He's not sure if it's from the cold, leftover adrenaline from the flight, or the situation with Cas. Probably a combination of all three. He focuses on what Cas asked him. "Uh, no. I wasn't sure where you were staying and if I should get a room there or…" he trails off, unsure how to end the sentence.

Cas turns away but not before Dean catches a glimpse of a blush staining his cheeks. "Let's go back to my room then. You can decide later. We should get you warmed up and get some food in you first."

Dean swallows the emotions and words swirling in his chest and nods. Dinner is a start.


	9. Chapter 9

The ride back to the hotel is quiet. Dean asks their driver a few questions about the car, but he and Cas mainly just look at each other and smile. It's awkward as fuck yet somehow endearing. 

When they arrive at the hotel, they stop and grab a bite to eat in a cafe next door. There are a thousand things Dean wants to say, but the cafe is too crowded for a private conversation so he swallows them down. Once the food arrives, they eat it so quickly that Dean is pretty sure neither of them even taste it.

By the time they head upstairs to Cas' room the silence is heavy yet not oppressive. Instead, a thread of anticipation hangs in the air. Any chill was shaken off while they ate in the cafe and instead Dean feels warmth bubbling beneath his skin.

Dean whistles as he walks into the swanky suite. "Some nice digs here, Cas." 

Cas shrugs and tosses his trench coat and suit jacket onto a chair. "Yeah. I guess so."

"Nicer than anywhere I've stayed." Dean removes his own jacket and follows suit, tossing it on top of the others. He sits down on the plush couch and bounces, testing the springs.

"It's nice, yes," Cas admits as he walks over to the mini bar. "But it's just another one of Michael's attempts to persuade me." He comes back carrying two of the tiny bottles of bourbon. 

The warm feeling subsides as Dean is forcefully reminded of the gravity of the situation. "So, did it work?" 

Cas sits down next to him and offers one of the miniature bottles to him with a frown. "What do you mean?"

Dean opens the bottle and sucks half of it down, licking the remnants off his lips. Cas' eyes follow the movement and it sets the flicker of hope in Dean's belly alight. "Did he convince you to move here?"

Cas uncaps his own bottle now. "I haven't given him an answer yet. I told him I will by tomorrow afternoon." 

Dean lets out a breath of air he didn't even realize he was holding and leans forward, dropping his head between his knees. Once his pulse slows he looks back up. 

Cas drinks from the bottle, tilting his head back and exposing the taut lines of his neck as his adam's apple bobs with each swallow. He smacks his lips and then catches Dean's eyes. "Why are you here, Dean? I told you I'd be back on Wednesday."

Dean finishes his own bottle and glances at the bar behind Cas. Fuck it, Michael's paying. He scurries over to it and grabs a handful of bottles, shrugging when Cas snorts. He sets them on the coffee table in front of them and catches one as it tries to roll off.

He rolls the bottle in his hands as he decides what to say. He should have rehearsed this on the flight but he'd been too nervous. 

Cas nudges him with his knee. "Dean?"

"I'm sorry, Cas." Cas' hand hovers above his knee for a moment before settling oh so gently. Dean covers it with his own hand and squeezes. "I was being such a fucking baby by avoiding you. I just — I panicked, man."

"Dean —"

"No, you gotta let me finish, Cas, please. You don't know how many times I've tried to say something and lost my nerve." Dean pauses to finish the rest of his bottle.

"Alright, Dean." Cas' voice is strangled and he reaches for another bourbon before redirecting his grasp to a bottle of water instead. 

Cas fumbles the cap and almost spills the bottle trying to catch it. A quiet laugh escapes Dean and he feels ready to go on. "First just let me say again how sorry I am. You were right. You're my best friend and I should've been there for you. I was just being selfish because I didn't want to lose you."

Cas opens his mouth but seems to remember Dean's request and stays silent so Dean can continue.

"So I wanna make it up to you if I can. And while I don't want to see you go, I'm here to support you no matter what." Dean pauses to take a breath and pulls the water bottle out of Cas' hands and takes a drink. "And if you decide you want to move here, well, I'm almost done with my nursing degree and London has hospitals too, right?" He forces himself to hold Cas' gaze despite the pounding in his chest. "I could go with you."

The palms of Dean's hands are sweaty so he wipes them on his pants as he waits for a reply. There's more to say, so much more, but Cas deserves a chance to respond.

Cas stares at him for what feels like hours. His eyes trace over Dean's face as though by looking hard enough he'll be able to read Dean's thoughts.

The longer Dean puts up with the silent scrutiny the more anxious he becomes. He finally has to look away, eyes darting around the room as he second-guesses his confession. Suggesting that he move to London with Cas was way too presumptuous of him. 

"Stop freaking out, Dean." Cas chides softly. "You really mean that? You'd move here. With me."

Dean licks his dry lips. "Yeah. With you."

Cas studies Dean's face again. "Why?"

Now that the moment's here, Dean's heart is about to leap from his chest. "Well, because you're my best friend. And I—"

"No," Cas interrupts him. "Most best friends draw the line at moving out of the country. You told me I'm your brother, but Sam is too and you didn't move to California to follow him. So no more excuses." Cas turns on the couch so that he is facing Dean. His knee presses into Dean's thigh, a hot point of contact in the cool room. "I need a real answer. Why? Why did you come out here even though you're terrified of flying? Why are you willing to leave your job, your life, your family and move across the world with me?"

All of the fear and worry leaves Dean in a rush. When asked so plainly there's no way he can respond except with the truth. "Because I'm crazy about you, Cas." He laughs self-deprecatingly and runs his hand through his hair, but doesn't look away. "Have been since I was eighteen. Maybe younger."

Cas' hand spasms on the couch between them. "That's not possible." His voice is rough and he clears his throat before continuing. "I mean — prom night, you —" Cas takes a deep breath and looks up at the ceiling. "Dean, you told me you wanted to pretend it never happened."

Dean is filled with a bizarre mix of giddy hope and crippling regret. Could all these years of frustration seriously have been due to one misunderstanding? He laughs and knows it sounds slightly hysterical, but there's nothing he can do about it. "Cas. The sex was a _disaster_. We didn't even finish. I mean, I threw up on the bed. I wanted to pretend that hadn't happened, but I didn't mean...Jesus." This time when he laughs it sounds a little closer to normal.

"Oh." Cas' voice is quiet as he takes this in. "That didn't matter to me. I was just so happy to be with you." The honesty in his voice is undeniable and the shocked and lost look in his eyes reflects that.

"You said you agreed, buddy. That we should go back to being friends and pretend it never happened." He tries to keep the hurt out of voice but only partially succeeds.

Cas squeezes his eyes shut for a moment and makes a pained noise. "When you said it was a mistake, I thought you meant all of it, that maybe you'd only slept with me because you were drunk or because Lisa had dumped you. I was the first guy you'd been with too, so I thought maybe you realized you weren't bi after all. I had no idea what to think, Dean, but I was afraid you'd be uncomfortable if you knew how much I wanted to be with you. So I said what I thought you wanted." 

"Oh my god." Dean groans. "So like, we screwed ourselves over for years just because we couldn't use our words?" Dean owes Sam an apology. Maybe there really is something to talking things out. 

Cas' smile is adorably crooked. "Well, to be fair, we've both changed a lot since then. Most high school relationships fizzle out. Maybe it's not such a bad thing that it took us so long to get here."

Dean kind of sees Cas' point, but still. "Five years, Cas. I've been stupidly in love with you for five years and had no idea you, uh..." Dean trails off as he realizes that Cas hasn't actually said how he feels. He told Dean he didn't regret prom, sure, but that still doesn't mean he has feelings for Dean now.

Cas leans forward and catches one of Dean's hands between his own. "And I've been head over heels for you just as long." He smiles wryly. "Although it wasn't until you started dating Lisa that I realized it."

Dean laughs and scratches at the stubble on his jaw. "Yeah well, I think I first realized I was in love with you at prom actually. So you can imagine the roller coaster of emotions the next twelve hours were for me." He shakes his head. "Man, I can't believe we never talked about this before."

"Neither of us have ever been very good at talking." Cas lays his hand over Dean's. "I'm really glad we're trying though."

Dean turns his hand so that he can stroke the soft skin of Cas' wrist. He dips his thumb under the cuff of Cas' dress shirt and feels a thrill of power as he sees Cas' breath hitch. "Me too." 

He scoots closer as he continues tracing the swell of veins in Cas' inner wrist. When his breath ghosts over Cas' neck, he feels the pulse in Cas' wrist flutter. There's barely an inch between them but suddenly Dean needs more. He leans back, slowly reclining and gently encouraging Cas to lay back with him.

Cas is quick to comply, shifting his hips to the side so he can lay facing Dean on the couch. He rests a palm on Dean's thigh and rubs at the beginnings of a tear in the material. "Hi," he teases after Dean remains silent. 

"Hi." For all his jokes about personal space, Dean can't remember the last time he was this close to Cas. Close enough that Dean can smell the spicy cologne Cas must have put on before work and feel the soft exhalation of Cas' breath caress his cheeks. Close enough that Dean can hear the rasp of Cas' stubble against his collar and see the shadows that Cas' eyelashes cast on his cheeks. Close enough that Dean isn't sure what to do.

He's been dreaming of kissing Cas again ever since their disastrous prom night but now that the moment is here... it's overwhelming. He wants it to be perfect. The type of kiss they remember forever and brag about to all their friends.

It's a lot of pressure for a damn kiss. 

Cas interrupts Dean's silent battle by moving even closer and resting his forehead against Dean's. He slides his hand off Dean's leg and moves it to his waist. When Cas speaks it's low and intimate, yet gunshot loud in the silent room. "I'm going to kiss you now." 

It's a statement, not a question, but Dean can hear the nervousness lurking behind the words. His worries about the perfect kiss vanish.

Any kiss with Cas will be perfect. 

When Cas' lips first touch Dean's it's tentative and gentle — a careful testing of the waters — but that doesn't last long. Soon they are trading deep, searching kisses and Dean's hands are clutching Cas' shoulders as he chases the taste of the cinnamon gum that Cas must have chewed earlier. 

Cas' lips are softer than Dean expects; maybe he's finally using the lip balm that Dean shoves at him constantly. They kiss unhurriedly, and at some point, Dean ends up on top of Cas. Despite the steady thrum of arousal that already beats in Dean's veins, there's no sense of urgency yet. Instead, they bump noses and nuzzle at each other's necks and their kisses are periodically brought to a halt by the smiles that neither seems to be able to repress. 

Dean's always loved making out, but he's never felt so happy just from kissing someone before. And kissing Cas is light-years away from kissing a random one-night stand. It feels strangely luxuriant to think that he could kiss Cas like this all night long.

Dean shifts and it brushes their hardening lengths together. Cas groans into Dean's mouth and thrusts his hips upward. Dean can't help but respond, grinding down on Cas' lap instinctively. Cas' hands spasm in Dean's hair, tugging hard for a moment and causing Dean to grunt in surprise.

When he regains his breath, Dean moves his mouth to the sharp line of Cas' jaw and places teasing open kisses on the stubbled skin. He fists his hands in the bottom of Cas' shirt and pulls, but he can't get it untucked from his pants at this angle. He presses another quick kiss to Cas' jaw and then sits up, still straddling Cas' hips. This time when he tugs at Cas' shirt it's easily freed and Dean immediately slides his hands to the skin beneath.

Cas groans and sit up, pulling Dean closer. Dean grins and places a soft bite to the swell of Cas' lower lip. "I can't believe I still don't know what it's like to kiss you with your lip ring. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what it would feel like."

Cas quirks an eyebrow at him. "Do you want me to put it in?" 

Dean places a chaste kiss on the spot where the ring would normally be. "Nah, gives me something to look forward to." He picks up each of Cas' wrists in turn and carefully removes the cufflinks, setting them on the low coffee table. Once he's done, he moves his hands to Cas' collar, but then pauses, "When exactly do you need to give Michael an answer? Should we talk about that now?" Dean hovers over Cas, waiting to hear the answer.

Cas squints off to the side. "I may have lied about that a bit. I already gave Michael my answer today."

Dean's stomach swims with unease. "And?"

"And I said no, of course. Half of the reason I was even considering it was because you'd been so distant. I thought we were drifting apart and I couldn't bear to watch it happen slowly. I thought it would be for the best if I left. But when I got here and had the paperwork in front of me, I couldn't do it. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you." Cas' mouth twitches as he taps Dean's nose. "I had no idea you were about to show up here offering to come with me."

"Shit, would you have said yes, otherwise?" 

"I don't think so. I know you're right. Living and working in such close proximity to Michael and Naomi wouldn't be good for me. I'll figure out a different way to deal with Lucifer."

"Good. We'll figure it out together." Dean's smile turns a little sour. "And while I meant what I said, I'm glad I won't need to fly out here again. I'm not looking forward to the flight back."

Cas jokingly leers at him. "Maybe I can make it worth your while."

Dean snorts as he grabs Cas' tie and slowly unravels the clumsy knot. He almost feels like he's floating. He felt like something huge would change once he told Cas the truth, but instead, it just feels like they are one more step along the road they've always been on. 

He pulls the loosened tie over Cas' head with a flourish. With his arms raised though he catches a whiff of himself. He quickly lets go of Cas' tie and gets off Cas' lap, settling beside him. "So uh, I sweated like a pig on that flight. How's the water pressure in this place?"

Cas bites his lip. "Hmm. Better than the dorms, worse than the hotel we stayed at for Hannah's wedding."

Dean flashes Cas a thumbs up and gets off of the couch. "I can work with that. Lead on, Macduff."

Cas narrows his eyes before standing and Dean hides a grin because he knows what's coming. 

"The actual quote is ‘ _Lay_ on Macduff' which means something completely different." Cas leads way to the bathroom and beckons Dean inside. Which you already know since we took the same lit class."

Deans attention is waylaid by a feature Cas neglected to mention. "Dude there are two shower heads!" 

Cas laughs softly behind him as Dean checks out the rest of the bathroom. It's smaller than he expects but clean and warm. The shower is about the same size as the one they have at home, but the dual shower heads are something Dean's only dreamed of. He wiggles his eyebrows at Cas. "Care to join me?"

Cas finishes unbuttoning his shirt and drops it on the floor. "Since this is my room, I'm pretty sure I'm the one who should be inviting you."

"Good point." Dean is distracted by the expanse of skin before him. A large block of text on Cas' right side catches his eye. "Hey, is that new?"

Cas looks down. Yeah, I got it a few weeks ago. He turns so Dean can see it better. 

The words cover a large chunk of Cas' lower right ribs, wrapping onto his side. When Dean takes a step forward, the freshness of the ink is apparent. He lightly brushes his fingers over the words as he reads them out loud. "A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved." He looks up at Cas in surprise.

Cas' cheeks fill with color but he doesn't look away. "I kept thinking about it after I saw you reading _Sirens_ that day. Whenever I read that line, I always think of you. When I was afraid I was losing you, I wanted something to remember you by."

Dean's throat closes up and he gently lays his hand flat against the words. "Jesus, Cas. I'm sorry I didn't…" he trails off, uncertain how to verbalize the torrent of regret raging through his head. 

Cas places his hand over Dean's and squeezes. "I know. We'll do better now."

"So are we gonna be one of those couples that gets matching tattoos?" Dean smiles and tries to lighten the mood. 

Cas laughs and lets his hand fall away. "No, haven't you heard? Ask any tattoo artist. That's a sure-fire way to break up."

Dean pulls his own shirt off and grins. "What about if I just get your face tattooed somewhere."

Cas smacks him in the arm. "Don't even joke about that." He steps forward and runs his hands down Dean's sides and slides his fingers into the waistband of his jeans. "Is this okay?"

"Jesus. Yes, Cas. This is me telling you now that anything is okay. I've had years to think about all the things I want you to do to me. You could put on a Zorro mask and slap me around and I'd be game." 

Cas laughs at that and presses a soft kiss to Dean's collarbone as he moves further into his space. "I'll keep that in mind for later." His fingers make quick work of Dean's button and zipper, but then his hands pause.

Dean tilts his head down to catch Cas' eyes. "I guess it's my turn to ask _you_. Is this okay? Are we going too fast?" 

Cas smiles and shakes his head. "We've been heading towards this for years, I don't think we can call it fast." He pushes Dean's jeans down his hips and helps him step out of them. He then strokes his thumbs along the edge of Dean's boxers, occasionally dipping inside. "But I do want to take my time. It's just hard to believe this is finally happening. I want to remember every moment."

Dean's throat tightens up and he pulls Cas into his arms, hugging him tightly. "Hey, I feel the same way. No need to rush."

So they don't. While some of their clothes may have been pulled off in a rush, they both take their time with the rest.

Dean finally touches and explores the ink that decorates Cas' body like he's dreamed of for years. He trails a finger along the noose that loosely loops around Cas' collarbones and smiles. "I thought you were gonna pass out when you got this."

"So did I." Cas takes a break from tracing Dean's freckles and tilts his head so Dean can follow the tattoo's path more easily. "Probably not the best choice for my first tattoo, but I was young and angry."

Dean snorts. "I'll say." Cas had gotten the tattoo at eighteen after Michael had first given him the college ultimatum. It had been the last thing his family's money had paid for. Well, until Dean's accident.

Dean kisses the blue jay and the catfish that cover much of Cas' left arm and lays a teasing nip on each of the tiny bees that decorate his wrist before moving his hands to the waist of Cas' slacks. He opens Cas' belt and pulls it free. "Any ink that's gonna surprise me down here?"

Cas pulls their hips flush together and presses his mouth to Dean's ear. "Why don't you find out?"

Dean accepts the invitation and slowly sinks to his knees. When he kisses the taut skin of Cas' stomach and thumbs open the button of his pants, Cas shivers.

Dean swallows and pulls in a shaky breath as he slides the zipper down and the loose pants quickly fall to the ground. Cas is more than half hard already and rapidly swelling under Dean's gaze. He can't resist placing a wet open mouth kiss over the head of Cas' cock where it strains against the tight material of his boxer briefs.

Cas bucks forward helplessly, grabbing Dean's shoulder for support. "Fuck. You have no idea how many times I've thought about this."

Dean squeezes Cas' hips. "Me too." He pulls Cas' underwear down in one long motion, growing impatient again. "Oh my god." He laughs when he finds another tiny bee tattoo low beneath his right hip bone. "Is it totally ridiculous that I'm a little jealous of whoever tattooed this?"

Cas grins, seemingly comfortable standing completely naked as Dean looks over him. "Since Dorothy is a card-carrying lesbian I'd say just a bit."

Dean laughs and climbs to his feet. "Charlie will be happy to hear that." He pulls his own boxers down despite the unhappy sound Cas makes. "Sorry, but I'm seriously rank from that flight. You can get up and personal after we shower."

"I'll hold you to that." Cas turns around and begins fiddling with the shower knobs until steaming water is pouring from both shower heads.

The position puts his ass on display and Dean is more grateful than ever that Cas took up jogging a few years ago. He reaches out and squeezes the firm flesh, unable to resist.

Cas jumps and narrowly misses banging his head on the shower door. He looks over his shoulder and glares at Dean, though there's little heat behind it. "I'd like to consummate our relationship before any hospital trips please."

Dean throws his hands up and takes a step back. "My apologies."

Dean follows Cas into the shower and the pressure is enough to make him groan. Despite his plans to get his hands on Cas immediately, he can't help but stand still and enjoy the hot spray for a moment. He tries to maneuver the spray onto his tense shoulders, but the shower head is in an awkward position. He leans over to try and better position himself but gets a face full of water for his trouble. 

He hears Cas snickering while he blinks water out of his eyes. "Did you do that on purpose?" Dean gripes as Cas moves back in front of the showerhead, blocking the stream.

Cas grins but shakes his head. "No, just a nice side effect of me grabbing the shampoo." He takes a step closer to Dean and holds out his sudsy hands. "May I?"

Dean turns around to give Cas better access and gets a stream of water to the neck. He curses and moves the showerhead again. Maybe their shower at home isn't so bad after all. 

Cas' hands are gentle in Dean's hair as they work the shampoo in. He takes his time, massaging his fingers down to Dean's scalp without tugging or scratching.

It's comforting and more soothing than sensual, but Dean doesn't mind. He's been in a constant state of stress the last twelve hours and it feels good to be pampered by someone he trusts. He leans back, letting Cas support most of his weight. 

When Cas finishes with Dean's hair, he moves his attention to Dean's shoulders and arms. His touch is more teasing now, and when he trails the soapy washcloth across Dean's nipples they instantly pebble under the attention. 

Dean turns around, unable to remain a passive participant any longer. He backs Cas up against the shower wall and kisses him greedily, heedless of the water running down his face. They trade heated kisses and tender endearments until a loud clanking in the pipes startles them apart. They lean back in but then both laugh, making it impossible to continue the kiss. 

The water temperature suddenly drops by a few degrees and the clanking sound repeats. They share a grim look and reluctantly pull away from one another, focusing on getting themselves clean as quickly as possible. Despite their efforts, the water heater gives out before they are through, dousing them in freezing water for the last thirty seconds of their shower. 

Dean steps out of the shower and quickly grabs two towels off the rack, passing one to Cas. He rubs the towel over himself briskly, grateful for the heat still trapped in the small bathroom. 

Once they are mostly dry, they take turns wiping the remaining water drops from each other's bodies, sometimes with their towels, sometimes with their tongues. By the time they leave the bathroom, the chill from the shower is barely a memory. 

Dean wraps his towel around his waist, but Cas leaves the bathroom naked. Dean is more than happy to walk behind him to better enjoy the view.

Dean's just about to enter the bedroom when he looks to the side and locks eyes with an elderly woman. He gapes at her in shock until he realizes that Cas left the curtains open and he's looking at the balcony of the unit across from them. 

Cas pokes his head out of the bedroom door and winces as he catches onto Dean's predicament. "Oops." He reaches out while keeping his bare hips out of view and yanks Dean into the bedroom with him. 

The room is luxurious but unremarkable, save for an amazing view of Tower Bridge. After checking to make sure there's no risk of another instance of accidental exhibitionism, Dean allows Cas to pull him to the centerpiece of the room.

They fall onto the huge bed in a tangle of limbs and laughter and share a grin as they bounce on the expensive hotel mattress. The towel falls off Dean's hips, and he tosses it to the floor. He stretches out next to Cas and leans back on his elbows. "I dunno man, I think my memory foam still has this beat."

A drop of water falls from Dean's hair to his chest and Cas reaches a finger out and traces the path it takes. "I guess I'll just have to try both and decide for myself."

Even though they've already admitted they love each other, Dean still thrills at the confirmation that this is the first time of many. He rolls into Cas and squeezes his hip. "You have an open invitation to try it anytime." He caresses Cas' hip, rubbing a thumb over the bee there before trailing his hand down the rest of Cas' leg. 

Cas is solid and warm and the most beautiful thing Dean has ever seen. He traces the flowers that wrap around Cas' calf and presses a kiss to the top of the tattoo. "You're amazing." It comes out more tender than Dean plans, but it's true.

Cas laughs and pulls Dean's face to his, kissing him soundly. "I'm not sure I agree but I appreciate the sentiment." He smiles up at Dean. "I just hope you remember that next time I leave my dirty socks on the floor." 

Dean snorts and pinches Cas on the thigh. "Nevermind. I take it back." He switches from pinching to tickling and soon Cas is squirming under the assault, bringing their bodies into brief contact and forcefully reminding Dean that they are both naked. 

He stops his teasing and pulls one of Cas' hands to his mouth, laying a kiss on it. "Do we need to stop by the shop for anything?"

Instead of answering, Cas reaches across to the nightstand and comes back with a bottle of lube. He props a pillow under his hips and lets his legs fall open with no warning. Dean's breath hitches as Cas slicks up his fingers and then slides the first one into himself with no preamble. He holds Dean's gaze as he ruthlessly opens himself up. 

"Jesus." Dean stares at the way Cas' pink rim stretches at the steady movement of Cas' fingers. He hasn't seen anything this hot since, Christ, since probably the last time. Cas was the same way even when they were eighteen, showing no embarrassment or hesitation. He'd just gone to work prepping himself, then rolled over and calmly presented his ass to Dean. It's amazing how similar and yet how different things are now. 

Suddenly Dean's heart is racing, and not in a good way. He sits up. "Wait, Cas, wait."

Cas pulls his fingers out and turns to him. Dean can see Cas' expression shuttering so he hurries to assure him.

"I just —" Dean picks at the bedspread idly. "I want things to be perfect. Last time was such a disaster."

Cas strokes his clean hand down Dean's side. "We were kids, Dean. We were young and dumb and barely knew what we were doing. Everything is different this time." He laughs, "Even if you actually threw up on me this time, tonight would still be perfect." 

Dean groans and tackles Cas, pinning him to the bed. "Very funny. It'll serve you right if I do." He's still nervous but it's fading to a tickle in the back of his mind now that he has Cas under him.

Cas looks up at him, grinning. "So you wanna hand me that lube or has there been a change in plans?"

Dean runs his tongue over his bottom lip and looks at Cas hesitantly. "Actually, do you mind if, uh, we do it differently?"

Cas looks at him blankly for a brief moment. "You want me to ride you?" he finally asks. 

A flurry of images fill Dean's mind and the word "yes" is on the tip of his tongue. He promised himself that if he ever got the chance to have this though, that he'd ask for what he wanted. He forces himself to meet Cas' eyes. "I _definitely_ want that. But this time I was thinking you could, uh, maybe… you know, top?"

Cas stills and searches Dean's face. "Really? I didn't think you had any interest in bottoming." 

Dean raises his eyebrows at that. 

Cas' laugh is just the tiniest bit bitter as he looks away. "We have really thin walls, Dean. It was, ah, pretty obvious that you topped."

Dean feels a surge of guilt at that. He knows that if Cas had a revolving door of lovers he wouldn't have been able to handle it the way Cas did. The least he can do is let Cas know how different this is for him.

"You're right." He rolls off of Cas and lays next to him, lacing their fingers together. Dean feels vulnerable stating all this out loud, but lack of communication has been a problem with them for too long. "I, uh… I'd have to trust someone in order to bottom and that's not normally part of the deal for me. Obviously, that's not the case this time." He feels a new bout of nervousness as he realizes that he has no idea if Cas enjoys topping at all. Since Cas is a much more gracious roommate, Dean doesn't have any secondhand information to rely on. "If you know, uh that's okay with you." Dean hasn't felt this awkward about sex since, oh, the last time he tried to have sex with Cas.

Cas leans over and brushes a soft kiss across Dean's lips. "I would be honored."

Dean squirms under the reverence in Cas' voice. He holds his hand out and motions for the lube. "So yeah, pass it over."

Cas holds the bottle back and shakes his head. "No, allow me. Please? I promise I'll be much more careful with you than I am with myself."

Dean bites his lip and tries to will the blush off his cheeks. He doesn't trust his voice so instead he nods in answer. He starts to roll over onto his stomach, but a hand on his hip stops him.

"Not yet, I want to see your face."

Dean closes his eyes and nods again. Cas' voice is even rougher than usual and Dean thinks he would agree to just about anything Cas asks right now.

Cas' hands coax open Dean's thighs and push them flush to the bed. He kisses each of Dean's knees in turn. "I love your legs."

Dean throws his arm over his eyes. "Shut up. I'm bow-legged."

Cas continues peppering kisses along Dean's legs. "Trust me, I know. And I repeat, I love them."

Dean tries to relax under Cas' gentle touches, but when Cas' fingers brush against his hole, all his muscles tense at once.

Cas removes his hand. "Dean."

"It's fine! I'm just nervous." Dean rushes to assure him.

"Hmm. Let's try something different." Cas squeezes both of Dean's thighs before scooting backward. "Turn over for me, please. Flat on your stomach."

Dean rolls over, happy to comply. Things might be a little easier if he can hide his face in the bed. He hears the snick of a bottle opening and spreads his legs.

Instead of the intimate touch he was expecting though, Cas picks up his left foot and rubs lotion onto it.

Dean jerks and cranes his head to look behind him. "What're you doing?"

"I'm helping you relax. Now do your part and try to enjoy this."

Dean is about to protest but Cas presses something in his foot just then that feels amazing. He can't stop the low groan of appreciation.

"There we go. Just relax, Dean. Let me take care of you. I want to."

Cas' voice is so sincere that Dean can't think of a reason to deny him. He shifts until he's comfortable and determines to let go and enjoy the warmth of Cas' hands on his body.

Within moments Dean is feeling better than he has in years. He's not sure when or where Cas learned to do this, but right now he is very thankful.

When Cas' hands begin working on his upper thighs, Dean shifts his hips, letting his legs fall open a bit more. Cas ignores the clear invitation, bypassing that area entirely and moving to work on Dean's lower back instead. Dean can't find it in him to protest though since the way Cas is working out the kinks in his back feels amazing. 

Cas suddenly swings himself over to straddle the back of Dean's thighs. Dean thinks this must mean Cas is ready to move things along, but instead, he uses his new position to reach more of Dean's back.

Cas is still naked though, so Dean can tell he's not as unaffected as he's pretending. He wriggles around and is rewarded by a slap to his rear.

"Stop that. Patience is a virtue. Let me finish."

"Finish is exactly what I was trying to do." Dean mutters into the bedspread. But he sinks back down under Cas' hands as he rides a strange line between relaxation and desire. Cas' touch is professional and efficient, but his naked cock brushes against Dean's ass and thighs periodically. He has a feeling he's never going to be able to receive a massage without popping a boner after this.

Finally, Cas' hands return to that most important area that they skipped before. He shudders when Cas' hands slide over his ass, rubbing the muscles there before coming to rest at the very top of his thighs. His touch is less clinical now, more a caress as he strokes his thumbs along the inner creases of Dean's thighs, but goes no higher.

Dean holds his breath as he waits for Cas to press inward, closer to where he wants him. Cas keeps him waiting though, thumbs skating up and then down, rubbing teasing circles on the same sensitive patches of skin over and over again.

Dean lets his breath out with a huff. He's desperate for Cas' touch yet reluctant to move back to force more contact. Instead, he remains where he is, laying there unresisting as if this were just a normal massage.

Cas gently spreads Dean's legs further and moves from straddling Dean's thighs to kneeling between them. His hands return and he again brushes his fingertips in feather-light caresses up and down Dean's inner thighs.

Dean's heart jackhammers in anticipation. His cock is hard and weeping where it's trapped against the bed but he still resists moving. He wants whatever Cas has in store for him. 

Cas finally rewards him for his patience, but not in the way Dean expects. Cas' hands part his cheeks and his tongue licks a long stripe over his perineum and hole.

"Oh fuck!" The complete shock of the touch increases the pleasure even more. It's not something Deans ever tried before, and nerve endings he didn't even know he had spark and hum. He pants and writhes against the bed, not wanting to evade the touch, but unable to stay still any longer.

Cas' strong hands grip Dean's hips, pulling them up so Dean is on his knees. He then opens Dean's cheeks again and licks another slow path. He continues with the slow, broad strokes until Dean is wet and ready. Then he rests one of his thumbs against Dean's hole, rubbing in an obscene parody of the earlier massage. 

Dean's toes and fingers curl as Cas' thumb tugs and pushes at the edge of his rim before resting there without dipping in. He's bizarrely reminded of the beignet incident and has to choke back a laugh. This time he's pretty confident that Cas knows where his thumb is heading.

All thoughts of laughter evaporate when Cas finally does press in, and then slides the tip of his tongue in as well. He works his thumb and tongue together, slowly stretching Dean out while keeping him wet and sloppy. 

"Fuck, Cas." Dean's entire body shudders when Cas works the tip of his other thumb in and tugs on both sides of his rim. He can only imagine what it must look like.

"You're so gorgeous, Dean. I could do this for hours, just taste and play with your hole. See how pink and shiny I can get it, how far I can stretch it." He emphasizes his words with another sharp tug that makes Dean wail. "And I haven't even played with your prostate yet, Dean."

Dean grunts an unintelligible reply. Even in all his dirtiest daydreams he never imagined Cas talking like this.

"You know there's one part of you that I skipped during the massage, Dean." Cas' thumbs disappear from his hole, but before Dean can protest, a lubed finger is slowly pushing in. "Have you ever had your prostate milked, Dean?"

Every time Cas says his name, a shiver of pleasure courses over Dean's body. He's heard Cas say his name hundreds, no, thousands of times, but until today he's never heard it said this way. Somehow Cas is able to make it sound even dirtier than the filth pouring out of his mouth. 

Cas pushes another finger in and manages to find his target in seconds. He continues to take his time stretching Dean, adding more lube and a third finger while still keeping a steady massage going on Dean's prostate. After what feels like years of this torment, he reaches his other hand around to lightly fist Dean's cock. "Do you want to come like this?"

Dean doesn't, but he's having trouble focusing enough to speak. When a fourth finger enters him, he shudders and keens. He's only moments away from coming when he finally manages to reach down and stop Cas from stroking his cock. 

Cas takes the hint and backs off, placing his hand back on Dean's hip. He keeps his other fingers in Dean's ass but leaves his prostate alone for now. 

Dean finally manages to speak. "Wanna come with you." The words are more embarrassing than they should be and he murmurs them into the bed, but he's pretty sure Cas heard him. 

Cas gently withdraws his fingers and wipes his hand on the bedspread. He places a chaste kiss on the small of Dean's back. "Roll over for me?"

Dean relaxes his hands and lets go of the bedspread that he'd been hanging onto for dear life. He feels empty without Cas' fingers in him and can't believe he's avoided bottoming for so long. He's glad though as well; it feels special to be able to share this with Cas.

Cas helps him roll over and places the pillow back under Dean's hips. Cas then slips a condom on and crawls on top of him, blanketing Dean's body in his warmth. They share a few lazy kisses before Cas reaches back and helps Dean wrap his legs around his hips. 

He places a quick peck on Dean's nose. "I meant it when I said I'm fine with taking this slow. We don't have to do this tonight."

Dean tangles his fingers in Cas' hair and smiles up at him. "I know, Cas. I want this."

"Me too." When Cas leans down and kisses Dean it's slow and sweet. "I love you, Dean." 

Dean's reply is lost in a gasp as Cas pushes in. Even with all of the stretching he's overcome by how full and hot and slick it feels and he writhes at the almost-too-much sensation of it. He clutches at Cas' back, nails digging in mercilessly when Cas slides in the last few inches. 

"Fuck," Cas pants into Dean's neck. "Do that again."

"What, this?" Dean drags his nails down Cas' back again.

Cas stutters within him, gripping Dean's hips hard enough to leave bruises. "Yes," he growls, " _that_." 

Dean chuckles and rubs the fresh scratches he just left. "Shoulda figured you had a bit of a pain kink with the tattoos and all." 

Cas doesn't respond, electing instead to pull all the way out. Before Dean can protest, Cas is pushing back in, with a slow relentless glide.

Dean's head snaps back and his toes dig into the bed. A half-formed curse escapes his lips as Cas keeps up a steady, teasing pace that whispers across Dean's prostate with every other thrust. 

It's so much _more_ than Dean expected. Cas is longer and thicker than the toys Dean has tried, but it's more than that. It's the way that Cas' body covers his completely. The way his hands grip Dean's shoulders in a bruising claim. It's feeling unbearably _full_ in every way possible and having it all be, " _Cas_." 

Dean doesn't even realize he said it out loud until Cas' pace falters and he groans a broken, "Dean," in response.

Cas slides his arms around Dean, pulling their chests together as he brushes a messy kiss across Dean's open mouth. They remain that way, breath mingling and sweat dampened skin catching, as they slowly rock together. The position doesn't allow for much momentum but it's almost painfully intimate. 

They continue making love unhurriedly, trading kisses and gasps as they let the heavy waves of arousal build. It's a painstakingly slow climb to the peak, and by the time Cas wraps a calloused hand around Dean's flushed cock, it feels as though Cas has been inside him for hours. 

As soon as Cas quickens his thrusts, they both begin trembling in the face of their imminent release. Cas works his fingers over the head of Dean's cock, smearing pre-come and sweat over the sensitive tip over-and-over and —

Dean's entire body quivers as his orgasm crests and rolls over him like a flood. Cas' hand strokes him through his release, helping Dean ride out the waves of pleasure. As his spent cock grows increasingly sensitive, Dean's hands spasm and claw at Cas' back. Within seconds Cas is slamming into Dean erratically and gasping his name. 

Dean runs his fingers through Cas' hair and murmurs endearments against his skin as they come down together. Cas is loose-limbed and relaxed above him, blanketing Dean from head to toe and radiating contentment. His weight presses Dean into the mattress, but it's a welcome feeling as he basks in the afterglow.

Eventually the desire to be clean overtakes his lethargy and Dean softly nudges Cas' shoulder. 

Cas groans but complies, gently pulling out and rolling to one side. He tosses the condom in the direction of the trashcan and then throws his arm over his eyes with a content sigh. "That was amazing. I'm going to sleep for a week now."

Dean smiles and walks his fingers over Cas' chest. "Don't pass out on me quite yet, babe. Let me clean us up."

Cas grunts noncommittally, but he moves his arm so he can squint at Dean.

Dean scoots to the end of the bed and fishes his towel off the floor. It's still damp enough from his shower that it does a decent job of cleaning them up. 

When he's finished wiping the mess from their bodies, Dean forces Cas to get up so he can strip the stained comforter off the bed. After he's done, he crawls under the sheets and curls into Cas' side. Once he's there he hesitates though, not sure if Cas will welcome cuddling.

Cas solves his dilemma by throwing an arm over Dean and tangling their feet together. He huffs a quiet laugh into Dean's hair.

"What's so funny?" Dean asks into his pillow.

"I'm just really glad you didn't throw up on me. I'm way too fucking tired to shower."

A laugh bubbles out of Dean unexpectedly. Just last week, joking about their disastrous first time seemed impossible. It feels good to finally let go of his regret over that night. "You know you passed out on me last time too, maybe I should've thought this through better."

Cas grabs Dean's hand and laces their fingers together, resting their clasped hands over Dean's heart. "Nope, too late. You're mine forever now." 

"Good." Dean smiles into the dark, relishing the warm weight at his back. "Night, Cas."

Cas murmurs goodnight and presses a kiss to the back of Dean's neck. His soft snores soon tickle and tease at Dean's hair. 

It's not a bad way to fall asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Dean wakes up at the ass crack of dawn because they forgot to close the drapes. He buries his head under the pillow, but it's useless. The sun is shining directly on the bed and illuminating everything to a degree he can't ignore. He finally gets up with a grumble, squinting as he makes his way to the window.

He wrestles with the drapes, trying to use brute force to get them back in place. A warm arm suddenly wraps around him from behind and tugs him back.

"There's a pull cord on the end — here, let me." Cas reaches over and fishes the cord out from where it was hiding and the brightness of the room returns to a manageable level. He once again embraces Dean from behind and hooks his chin over Dean's shoulder. "I don't need to go in today. Do you want to go back to bed?"

Dean leans back into the solid comfort of Cas' arms. "I guess not. I've gotta figure out a flight back and if we have time I thought maybe I could find some touristy crap to take home for Sam."

Cas kisses the shell of Dean's ear. "That works for me. If you want you can shower first, I need to wrap a few things up with Michael."

Dean cranks the temperature to near boiling but he keeps his shower quick, eager to get back to Cas. He strokes himself lazily a few times but stops once he's fully erect, hoping that Cas is in the mood for another round. 

When he gets back to the bedroom, Cas is still on the phone. He's sitting cross-legged on the bed — naked and unashamed — and all Dean wants at that moment is to crawl into his lap and suck down the half-hard length that rests on his thigh. 

He sits down on the opposite corner of the bed instead though, in order to give Cas his privacy. He passes the time by admiring the architecture of Cas: the powerful columns of his thighs, the arch of his foot, the delicate ladder of his spine. 

Cas turns as if he can feel Dean's attention, stretching purposefully under Dean's gaze. He grows serious a moment later though, scribbling a note before turning back to Dean, "Michael can get us seats together on a flight, but it's a red eye tomorrow. Is that okay?"

Dean flashes him an enthusiastic thumbs up. Having Cas on the flight with him should hopefully help. And with any luck it will be the last flight he'll ever have to take.

Cas thanks Michael and says goodbye, setting the phone on the nightstand. "Everything is taken care of. I'm all yours today" he says, then quirks his head to the side and adds, "and every day after I suppose."

Dean scoots down until he's behind Cas and then rests his chin on Cas' shoulder, stroking his thumbs along the grooves of his hip bones. "Damn straight. So what do you wanna do today?"

"I've been to London before, so I'd rather do whatever you want." Cas turns and brushes Dean's damp hair off his forehead with a smile. "Why don't you think about it while I grab a fast shower?"

Dean plasters himself around Castiel like a starfish. "Why don't I get you dirty again first?"

Cas huffs but melts back into Dean, resting his head on Dean's shoulder. "At least let me brush my teeth first."

Dean laughs and nips at the exposed skin on Cas' neck. "Nah, I've smelled your morning breath plenty of times over the years. Not gonna faze me." 

Cas spins around and pins him to the bed before Dean even realizes it's happening. Sunlight shines through the curtains and curves around Cas in tones of orange and pink, adding a hazy glow to the room and to the feeling in Dean's chest.

He grins up at Cas and winks. "Well, howdy cowboy."

"Speaking of cowboys, I think someone wanted me to ride them?" Cas asks as he shifts on top of Dean, moving to fully straddle his hips. 

Dean licks his lips. "I would definitely be okay with that, yes." He runs his hands up and down Cas' legs, already imagining the way they'll flex and press around him. "Do you wanna lay back so I can get you ready?"

"No need." Cas reaches behind himself and twists uncomfortably for a second. There's a quiet pop and then he's holding a slim blue plug which he tosses on the bed.

Dean raises his eyebrows. "Please tell me you didn't put that in while you were talking to Michael."

Cas rolls his eyes and grabs the bottle of lube and a condom, placing them within easy reach. "I was on hold." He snaps opens the lube, but Dean grabs it from him before he can do anything.

"Nuh uh, it's my turn." Dean coats his fingers and brings them to Cas' hole, circling the slightly loosened rim. He wishes he could watch but the angle is all wrong.

He dips just the tip of his finger in, teasing and withdrawing until Cas huffs above him. Dean takes the hint, meeting no resistance as he slides in past the second knuckle easily. A second finger is a tight fit, but Dean has barely begun to scissor him open before Cas is grabbing Dean's hand and pulling it free.

"I'm ready." He quickly slicks Dean up and rolls a condom onto him before moving into a better position.

Dean looks over at the plug and frowns. "Not to brag, but that thing's nowhere near my size. You sure you don't want me to stretch you out some more?"

Cas shifts until Dean's cock is nudging against his opening and then leans down, brushing his lips across Dean's ear. "I like the burn."

It's a good thing he does because Dean bucks up helplessly at the filthy promise in Cas' voice. Cas responds in turn, pushing himself down on Dean's cock forcefully, shoving down until he's taken every inch.

Cas shakes and pants above Dean as they clutch each other tightly. Dean tries to ask if Cas is okay, but he's gasping too hard to do so. Cas answers anyway by rising up and slamming back down again, setting a furious rhythm that sets off fireworks behind Dean's eyes.

Cas isn't just tight, he's _unbelievably_ tight — a hot wet vice that covers Dean from root to tip with every slam of Cas' hips. It completely overwhelms Dean and leaves him unable to do more than moan under the assault and hold on for dear life as Cas rides him hard enough to bruise.

He eventually gets his bearings enough to match Cas' pace, rocking up to meet him and finding an angle that makes Cas throw his head back and moan with abandon. Dean runs a hand up Cas' side, enjoying the push and pull of Cas' muscles as he works himself on Dean's cock. 

Cas' movements become more and more wild as their pace grows more and more frantic. The dim orange light turns Cas' hair into a dark halo and paints his tattoos into unfamiliar shapes as they twist and flex with his movements. A particularly deep thrust has Cas baring his teeth as he slams his hips down and comes untouched, spilling in hot streaks all over Dean's stomach. He's fierce and glorious like some mythical god come to life and Dean is his willing sacrifice.

Cas continues to ride him throughout his orgasm and Dean's quickly follows. He falls back onto the bed as Cas slows to a stop and slumps, taking a deep shuddering breath. He gingerly pulls free of Dean and leans down to place a kiss on Dean's sweaty brow. "Wow."

Dean sputters a laugh and pulls Cas all the way down on top of him. He strokes his hands up and down all of the skin he can reach as he waits for Cas' trembling to subside. "Yeah, wow." He kisses the hinge of Cas' jaw and rubs his face against the fresh stubble. "You okay?"

"Better than. I could definitely use a shower though. Wanna rinse off with me?" Cas asks as he gets off the bed.

Dean grunts a yes and follows him into the shower. They keep their hands to themselves mostly, not wanting to lose track of time like before. They're successful, getting out just as the first groans emanate from the pipes. 

They get dressed quickly and head out on foot. Since they only have a day, they decide to avoid most of the tourist attractions, not wanting to waste their time stuck in the crowds. They take pictures of Tower Bridge, Southwark Cathedral, and St. Paul's Cathedral but skip the tours of each. They shop as they go; Dean picking up souvenirs for his friends and family while Cas mainly looks through the art supplies and books. 

Most of the items Dean buys are silly trinkets, but he splurges on a limited edition Hermione figurine for Charlie that the shop owner tells him is only available locally. He's going to need to watch his spending very carefully after this trip, but he doubts he'll ever be in London again so he may as well make the most of it.

They stop for drinks and food as the mood strikes them, trying new things and then swapping plates to try each other's orders as well. It's wonderful and comfortable, just like every time they've gone on a trip together but with some significant changes. 

Now when the back of Cas' hand brushes against his own, Dean doesn't hesitate. He grabs Cas' hand and laces their fingers together like he's always wanted to. He presses soft kisses to Cas' lips and cheeks whenever the mood catches him and plucks a flower off a tree they pass, tucking it behind Cas' ear, and reveling in the soft laugh it startles out of Cas.

Cas is no better though, tucking his hand into Dean's back pocket like they are high schoolers and pulling Dean into a photo booth so they can spend a fortune on a roll of fuzzy candids. When a lock of Dean's hair falls onto his forehead, Cas brushes it back, letting his fingers linger before he leans in to place a kiss full of promise and joy on Dean's lips. 

It's more than Dean ever hoped to have and his heart feels ready to burst with the pleasure of it at times. 

When the sun sets they call a cab, their bellies too full and their feet too tired to make the trek back. They sit close in the backseat and Cas hums along as "Here Comes the Sun" plays on the radio. His voice is low and intimate as he sings, "It's all right" into Dean's shoulder. It's a perfect moment and Dean commits it to memory. 

They spend the night packing and flirting. When Cas sees the satin panties that Dean forgot were in his bag they also spend a good hour making out while Cas whispers about all the things he's going to do once they get back. They're both sore from the combination of enthusiastic sex and hours of walking though, so they go no further than that. Instead, they cuddle up and turn in early, setting the alarm for an unholy hour since the airport shuttle is picking them up at 4 am. 

They sleep through the first two rounds of the alarm the next morning and barely make it to the shuttle in time. It's so rushed that Dean barely has a chance to worry about the flight. When they get to the airport he stops in a duty-free shop and pays way too much for a box of Benadryl. He swallows a handful of the pills despite Cas' pained expression. 

"Don't give me that look, how do you think I fell asleep when that oboist lived next door?" Dean tosses the rest of the pills in the trash, not wanting to bother with looking up what the rules are for carrying medications on an international flight.

Cas tells Dean about his time in the London office while they wait for their flight to board. He touches Dean constantly — a hand on his knee, his arm, his thigh — and it keeps Dean grounded and from getting too worked up. By the time they are settling into their seats on the plane, Dean's tiredness outweighs his anxiety and he falls asleep with Metallica playing in his headphones and his head nestled in the curve of Cas' shoulder. 

He drifts in and out for the first half of the flight. When he finally wakes up, Cas quickly chatters to fill the silence, keeping Dean's mind constantly occupied. He appreciates the gesture, and it works — he's able to push the knowledge that he's hurtling across the world in a tin can out his mind. Mostly. 

At one point they sneak off to the bathroom together to take a crack at the Mile High Club, but they quickly realize that they have little chance of getting much done in the tiny bathroom. They settle for awkward handjobs that involve just as much laughter as groaning. When they're done they exit together, and both try to ignore the knowing glances the closest passengers all cast at them.

It's a strange version of the walk of shame and they burst into nervous laughter once they get back to their seats. Cas buries his face in Dean's shoulder and smiles wide enough that Dean can feel it.

Cas looks up, amusement fading to something softer the longer he holds Dean's gaze. He takes Dean's hand in his and squeezes. "I love you. I'm really happy right now."

A wave of giddy relief washes over Dean and dispels most of his remaining tension regarding the flight. It's hard to worry when everything feels so right.

Dean squeezes Cas' hand back and hopes that his eyes are saying everything he's too overwhelmed to put into words right now. "Me too, Cas. To both. Me too."

They continue to hold hands as they decide how to tell everyone about their new relationship status — they are both far too happy to even consider hiding it temporarily. This is a relief to Dean, who admits to Cas that basically all of their friends and acquaintances know about Dean's feelings after his plane ticket fundraising at the Roadhouse. 

As he tells the story, something finally clicks. "Jesus, Meg wasn't trying to get in your pants. She was trying to get me to nut up." He groans and puts his head in his hands. "Christ she must think I'm an idiot."

Cas bites his lip. "Yes, but she thinks I'm one as well. You have no idea how many times she's threatened to lock us in a closet together."

"Shit. I owe her an apology." Dean wrinkles his nose. "Multiple apologies." 

"Don't worry, I'm sure she will get her revenge by mocking our useless pining for years to come." He kisses Dean and smiles. "It's definitely worth it."

Talk tentatively turns to the future as they discuss ways to save money and simplify Cas' schedule. Everything they talk about is with the overarching sense that they are in this _together_ — one unit, Dean and Cas — and it makes Dean more excited for the future than he's been in a long time. They spend the rest of the last hour of the flight reading a book together and it seems like no time has passed at all before the captain is announcing that they have entered Kansas.

Dean looks down at the familiar, flat plains below and at the familiar hand clasped in his. In more ways than one, he's home. 


	11. Epilogue

The next few months are a series of highs and lows. The lows come first. When they get back from London, Dean finds a big ol' ticket waiting for him on Baby. Apparently, he parked in the wrong area of the lot and now owes a whopping $400 bucks for the pleasure of keeping his car in the wrong lot for a few days. It's the last thing they need with their current money woes, but they make things work.

Cas continues to struggle with balancing work and his costs and ends up in the emergency room due to fatigue. Dean's working that night and he almost has a heart attack when he makes his rounds and hears the nurse call "Castiel Novak". He makes Cas promise to cut back his hours and Cas reluctantly complies. 

In order to cut costs Cas moves into Dean's room and they rent his old one out to Charlie to use as a spare office. It takes some getting used to, but it saves them money without having to move to a smaller place. Pizza and take out becomes a thing of the past, as they switch back to cheaper fare like discount cereal and beans and rice.

It's nothing unique for Dean; he lived off worse as a kid, and having Cas by his side, in his bed, in his life, makes it all worth it. 

Then, everything gets easier for them all at once. First, Lucifer and Michael end up at each other's throats again and Lucifer withdraws the lawsuit in order to try and draw Cas to his side. Cas stays firmly out of the mess, but benefits nonetheless. 

Next Gabriel improves Cas' financial outlook even more while they are at his place for dinner. Kali is complaining about how she keeps messing up her bookkeeping and is behind on her accounting when Gabriel interrupts her.

"Why don't you just have Cassie do your books for you? Better use of his degree than selling jeweled belly button piercings to teenagers."

It's an obvious solution, but not one they'd thought of before. Kali and Cas are able to work out an equitable exchange of services that is much easier on Cas' time after that. 

The next big break is for Dean. He finally finishes his nursing degree and scores a job in the pediatric department of the local healthcare clinic. Not only does it pay much more than his orderly job, but the hours are better as well.

Which is how they all end up celebrating at the Roadhouse once again. It's eerily similar to the last time they were all here together, but this time when Mandy leans in next to Cas, Dean just smiles. 

"So what are we celebrating tonight?" She asks as she sets some coasters on the table.

Cas beams at her. "Dean is the new pediatric nurse at Dr. Barnes clinic!"

The pride and pleasure in his voice is unmistakable and Dean ducks his head to hide his smile. 

"Well congratulations! It's been a good year for both of you, hasn't it?" Mandy says as she finishes setting their glasses down and heads back to the bar.

Dean reaches across the table and grabs Cas' hand, stroking his thumb along a smudge of ink on his knuckles. "Yes," he replies softly, just loud enough for Cas to hear. "It really has."

Even though the gathering is in Dean's honor, they don't stay long. With their busy schedules, any time they both have free is spent together.

It's drizzling when they leave and they share a smile. This time they don't bother running. They just walk home together, holding hands, letting the rain slowly make its way down their collars. When they get to their street there's no Meg waiting for them, just the welcoming lights of their apartment building. For a moment Dean falls back into the what-ifs, wondering just how differently things may have gone if Meg hadn't shown up that night.

But as he follows Cas up the stairs to the home they share, he realizes something: it doesn't matter. They've had a million chances to get things right, and yeah they blew them, one after the other. But what's important is that they made it eventually. No matter how many doubts they had, each thinking they were alone in this, they never gave up on each other.

When they get inside the apartment he pulls Cas into his arms and kisses him. He keeps it tender and soft and tries to pour all of his love into it. When he pulls back Cas is smiling from ear to ear.

"What was that for?"

"I'm just happy." He knocks his forehead against Cas' and continues, "Thanks for never giving up on me."

"Thank you as well." Cas kisses the tip of Dean's nose, his lip ring a flash of cold amidst the warm skin. "I'm exhausted though, let's get to bed." He pecks Dean once more on the lips and then sets off for their room.

Dean follows behind him but pauses when his eyes catch on the framed picture on the nearest wall. It's the sketch Cas did months ago of the dock from his dream. It's been completely reworked since then, with clean lines and details that were missing before. Most importantly, Cas stands next to Dean on the dock now, with a hand on his shoulder. Dean walks closer and brushes his fingertips across the glass.

"Is everything okay, Dean?" Cas calls out from the bedroom.

Dean turns in his direction and smiles. "Yeah Cas, everything is all right."

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first challenge and my first story longer than 15k and it was such an adventure. I had a wonderful time getting to know all of the Pinefest participants and an extra big thank you to Mittens and Cass for their hard work moderating the challenge.
> 
> I love to respond to comments so please feel free to share your thoughts and to come say hi to me on [tumblr](https://robotsnchicks.tumblr.com/)as well! Thank you so much for reading!


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